Austrian composer Franz Shubert once wrote that happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.
As an institution, marriage has never been an easy route for many. Commitment is the common denominator for the happy and successful ones.
Once the honeymoon phase is over, challenges are set to come in and a couple will always find a way to ride the turbulent waves rocking their marriages. Some are physical, financial and others social.
"A significant illness or injury can profoundly challenge the wedding vow of "in sickness and in health," thereby impacting a couple's relationship in numerous ways.
Life becomes incredibly stressful for the person who sustains it and those close to them.
For Rachel Otuoma, the last four years have not been easy. Having started her young marriage to footballer Ezekiel Otuoma when life was blissful, her life changed overnight when her husband fell sick.
Otuoma, who is wheelchair bound is suffering from motor neurone disease, popularly known as Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), which weakens muscles and impacts physical function.
"When I met Otuoma, he was starting his career at Muhoroni Youth Football Club and the first time we met was at a friend's birthday party. I am happy because I have been part of his journey as he grew to be the football star he is now known to be," Rachel tells the Nairobian.
Like any other, the couple had dreams and goals for their future, which were frightfully interrupted when he fell sick.
In the middle of a hard time, it is easy to put blinders on. One focuses on the problem at hand and may ignore everything else around them. In those moments, those difficult, horrible, awful moments, how we behave and treat each other is a choice.
"When he fell sick, our lives stopped and we had to plan everything afresh. I used to cry at night and ask God, why me? However, after some time, I accepted the situation and knew life had to go on.
"The one thing that has stuck to my mind since day one was giving him the respect he deserves as the head of the house. Before I do anything, I have to consult him and his word is law in the house. If he says no, then that's the end of the discussion," she says.
Rachel says Otuoma accorded her princess treatment when he was able and she enjoyed being pampered. With this in mind, she had to find a way to restore some kind of relational homeostasis.
"I love this man. From day one he has been treating me with all the respect, care and love. He spoilt me whenever he could and now it is my turn to reciprocate. I take him to dinner and lunch dates. We recently came from Zanzibar. To be honest, I love him the way he is and even during his peak he never despised me or showed me contempt," she intimates.
"We can no longer do some or a lot of the activities we used to do together and which defined us as a couple. I miss his companionship," she says.
The couple has been seeing a therapist and so far they have had eight sessions. Their therapist advised for solo sessions before they do joint ones later.
While bloggers and tabloids have had their day pontificating on her woes, Rachel keeps mum when asked about it. Previously, she had taken to social media to vent her frustrations and her Tiktok content became fodder for the faultfinders.
"I prefer not to talk about my extended family for private reasons and that's it," she says.
"The act of over-sharing on social media can result in privacy infringements. Information posted online may be viewed as intrusive or lacking respect for the dynamics of a relationship. The exposure to idealist depictions of other couples can cultivate to unrealistic anticipations and discontent, prompting negative evaluations of one's relationship in comparison," says Valentine Mukami, a psychosocial counsellor.
Mukami says, in the era of cyberbullying, most people tend to keep off social media when it comes to airing their issues, a platform where they could potentially connect with professionals who could help them.
"Through social media, couples can find avenues for relationship advice, join support groups, and engage with communities that deliver crucial guidance and encouragement, particularly during challenging moments. However, it does not always work like that as people differ in resonance," she adds.
Rachel says patience pays and advises young people to take their time before getting into marriage.
"My advice would be to marry someone who is your best friend. Someone whose fame or wealth would not impede if something came up. It should be based on respect and commitment. Most importantly, put your marriage in God's hand," she concludes.
For the naysayers, many would have left Otuoma, had they been in Rachel's position. Simply, there is a group who would not stand the heat of the kitchen. This is for those who might think that the dynamics playing on traditional and modern marriages are juxtaposed.
"The impact of increasing acceptance of diverse relationship structures on traditional marriages is certainly under threat because the marriage as was known before is different.
"The traditional standards are shaken and certainly the rules and regulations of the marriage institution have been adjusted to accommodate the different marriage constellations.
"This means beliefs, values, expectations, roles and responsibilities have to also be flexible. But for any romantic relationship to thrive, commitment, respect and honour, collaboration and communication are critical enhancers," says Catherine Gachutha, a counselling psychologist.
Professor Gachutha says being mentally healthy plays a critical role in responsiveness to the needs of the marriage and the partner.
"Being mentally healthy means issues are tackled objectively and constructively and the ability to care is available," she says.
"Counselling is critical in helping couples redefine themselves regarding beliefs, principles and behaviours that feed the marriages. They also resolve past issues that can complicate their union. They also set parameters of their union which can enhance their marriage and make it positively functional," she says.
Young and modern couples often find it hard when dealing with in-laws. But how does one navigate the murky family dynamics and relationships with in-laws?
Gachutha says it is important to set boundaries so that they can protect the interests of the marriage.
"Parents should also be given their honour. Where there are differences they should be resolved. The couple should openly talk about how to relate with parents," she says.
