‘Poverty stricken’ tulevis at the local

Mutahi Ngunyi, the political scientist, ruffled feathers the other day with his Twitter posts on Raila Odinga and his retinue of ‘poverty stricken Luos.’

While Ngunyi apologised, those who frequent the local have no apologies to make over the fact that it’s patronised by ‘poverty stricken tulevis’ of every political persuasion and religious leanings.

Some went to City Council schools, others to private academies, but are ‘poverty stricken’ nevertheless. Here are some sketches of ‘poverty stricken tulevis’ you will accost when you amble to the local for a drink:

Diameter, the political analyst: He rarely throws anyone a round besides himself. Diameter can drink off you for hours on end without ‘returning the hand’ as required of every self-respecting drinker who risks ruining the liver to sustain barley farmers, beer depots, beer distributors, bar owners and Waka-Knife the butcher whose roast goat ribs serves as stomach defense before drinking.

Diameter is basically a ‘poverty stricken kalevi’ who drinks champagne on chang’aa budget.

Kot-Kot: He rarely eats hard stuff when drinking hot stuff. This ‘poverty stricken kalevi’ would rather get high on an empty stomach than sit and watch others drink while his chupa is running dangerously low.

Nyambu, the counter girl: This woman who brags of spotting dimples on either side of her butt cheeks is so ‘poverty stricken’ she rarely throws herself one onywaji. Unless someone gets ‘sufficiently philanthropic’ and buys her a bottle of ‘engine oil’ (Guinness) Nyambu can entertain permanent sobriety until Kingdom come.

Papa English: This Odiero is so ‘poverty stricken’ he is known to only drink three standard beers per sitting. No more, no less.

Kang’ethe: He is one drinker who swills hot drinks on the strength of eating roast goat heads (with pili pili mbili) and thus must be a poster boy of a ‘poverty stricken kalevi.’

Owish: He drinks Johnnie Mtembezi on credit, leaving an escalating bar bill that awaits the outcome of a phantom tender he’s chasing and thus must be a sample of the only ‘poverty stricken Omera’ at the local.

Waka-Knife, the butcher: Must be ‘poverty stricken’ as he often wonders ‘mbona hakuna mtu asha niroga ni dosike!’