The Government’s plans to do away with the paying of bus and matatu fare using cash by mid this year has left one pickpocket with no option but to commit suicide.
With the relentless encroachment of virtual money on his territory looking unstoppable, the veteran pickpocket realised the future was bleak.
Kenyans were likely to carry diminishing amounts of hard cash with them. Thus, it would become near impossible to find pockets or wallets worth picking.
In his suicide note, the wallet lifter lamented how technology had done him in.
Inspired by the famous poem First they came by Martin Niemöller, he paraphrased thus: “First, technology killed letter writing with emails and SMS, but I did not speak out … because I did not work for Posta. Then technology came for wristwatches, but I did not speak out … because I was neither a watch seller nor a watch repairer. And now, technology is killing cash. And there is no one left to speak out for me.”
From the note, it emerged that the hapless pickpocket had written several letters to his MP, asking him to initiate a Bill slowing down the pace of technology.
When that proved unsuccessful, a neighbour narrated how, in a last ditch effort to make a living, the pickpocket had embarked on a new venture; quail farming.
“It was unsuccessful though; he invested all his savings, hoping the quail eggs would sell at Sh70 each, and fly off the shelves faster than GoK condoms in a public toilet. But in a month, he only managed to sell eleven eggs at Sh20 each, while his family ate the remaining 997,” revealed the neighbour.
“He didn’t take it well.”
As funeral arrangements are made, fellow pickpockets are said to be in the initial stages of determining a proper send off for their colleague. Rumours have it that while viewing his body, they plan to pick his pockets, in honour of the way he lived his life.
TRIBUTES
Tributes are pouring in, and everyone seems to have kind words for the veteran ‘finger artist’.
A fellow pickpocket reminded everyone what a great man the deceased was.
“He was a tireless workaholic — even when most of us took day off, he never missed work, and he was a friendly mentor to most up and coming pickpockets.”
“Were it not for his wise counsel, professional advice and encouragement I would not be where I am today,” he moaned.
This was just the beginning of the eulogising.
“He was a great man, whom we will greatly miss. Of course, the matatu passengers who faced his skilled fingers will not miss him,” mourned another colleague. “But that’s understandable.”
Yet another friend revealed how overzealous the pickpocket had been in his calling. So much so that he would sometimes forget he had just given his children pocket money while sending them back to school, and go ahead to pick their pockets.
As a last wish, the pickpocket is understood to have requested to be buried in a wallet-shaped coffin.
It is also understood that the funeral committee has ruled out accepting donations sent through mobile phones, since it would seem like mocking the deceased.
