Back in the 1990s, the South African soap opera Generations graced our screens. It aired alongside the Johannesburg sitcom Sub-Urban Bliss, both offering a rare glimpse into a South Africa that had been hidden behind the apartheid curtain for decades. The only art that managed to escape before the end of apartheid in 1990 was music.
The main character in Generations was Archie Moroka, a member of the prominent Moroka family, played by Sello Maake ka Ncube. Now in his mid-60s, Sello featured on a South African podcast, and I was given a chance to see another side of the TV star that I didn't know before.
He spoke about how he entered the limelight around 1981 when he was in his early 20s, and how, during that time, he found himself in several relationships where he physically abused his girlfriends.
He explained that this was considered the norm in that era. He would walk through the neighbourhood and see a couple standing by the roadside, engaged in what appeared to be an intimate conversation. Then, out of nowhere, the man would slap the woman and walk away. It happened at home, in friends' homes, and even when visitors were around. Sello shared that it was a topic that could never be discussed openly.
The podcast host remembered how her grandmother's sister once told her grandmother that her husband did not love her because he never hit her. Women believed that a man who loved you must beat you up. They expected it, which made it easier to forgive or overlook it, even though it often came from a dark place in the man's heart.
Sello took responsibility for his actions, acknowledging that everyone has a reason for doing what they do, even if they cannot articulate it. He explained that, in his case, he realised that he was jealous, insecure, and struggled with a stutter when he was younger. I also stutter, which made this podcast, especially relatable for me, and motivated me to write this piece.
He spoke about the first hit, most likely a slap. He explained that he had discussed this with other men, and they often become scared after delivering that first slap. They didn't expect to do it, as it is almost never premeditated. The frightening part, he said, is waiting for the woman's reaction. If she doesn't react, the man might reinforce the behaviour, telling himself he can do it again.
On the flip side, Sello mentioned women's sharp tongues. A woman might say something hurtful to her partner and immediately regret it. How the man reacts to her words will determine whether she does it again. This theory of "first time" is a recurring theme in abusive relationships.
Society has rarely addressed the venomous words that women can use. Women are often skilled at emotional manipulation, identifying their partner's insecurities early in the relationship. They know which areas are most sensitive and, when targeted, can cause the greatest pain. This led me to conclude that Gender-Based Violence (GBV) is rooted in culture before it manifests in relationships. The first step is to talk about it. Whether it is happening or not, families must discussed it.
The second step is communication and conflict resolution. I have noticed that these two are closely linked, and we develop them based on how they were practised in our families. We communicate the way we were communicated with at home. Conflict is inevitable in healthy and happy families, and we must develop healthy ways of managing it. Sello advises couples to filter their words during conflicts. The brief pause before responding is crucial.
Sello spoke with conviction about how women lead and how they give permission for their partners to approach them and open up. They also determine whether they will be hit again or not. The reason why some people stay in abusive relationships is often beyond logic, but that is a topic for another time.
