How failure to give Christmas gifts could affect your relationship

By DANIEL WESANGULA

NAIROBI, KENYA: Although it is said that Christmas is a time of giving, few people, men or women, actually know what those in their lives really want for Christmas.

As a result, many resort to last-minute shopping to try and get what they think would be preferable for their better halves.

The Standard on Sunday commissioned a study to find out what men and women of different ages expect their spouses to give them over this festive season and the consequences that lie in wait if these expectations are not met.

The expectations vary greatly. From the normal, such as a trip to the village to the extraordinary like an engagement ring. Do you really know what your wife, husband or fiancée expects from you this festive season? Or what he or she might do if their expectation is not met?

Holiday mood

If you are a married man, chances are that as you get into the holiday mood, your wife expects one or all of the following: travel to an exotic location — and not to the village — she expects that you will spend this time bonding with her, she will expect surprise gifts and that your family will play host to a myriad of visitors from both your side and hers.

And for the married women, your man expects that during this period you will set aside some time to let him relax, bond with his family and reconnect and spend time with his friends.

Engaged women expect their fiancés to treat them like the queens that they are, lots of surprise gifts, to be taken out shopping, as well as little to zero disappointments.

Men in engagement also have their demands. For starters they expect to be formally introduced to their fiancée’s family, more love from the women in their lives, as well as spend less money. Eight O’clock is bedtime at Barack Owino’s home in Mukuru Kwa Njenga slums in Nairobi’s Embakasi.

As his wife of 11 years puts down their last- born child to bed, a Christmas jingle wafts through their thin mabati wall and settles amid the darkness that now engulfs their single-room house.

“Daddy, si hio ni wimbo ya Christmas?” the first-born asks him. Owino ignores the question entirely and asks his wife to hurry up and put the young one to bed. As the family retires, he shines a flashlight at the door.

“Let’s talk outside,” he tells his first-born. “Some things can only be spoken among men.”

For the first time in many years, the year has been kind to Owino and his family.

He has been able to hold down a job for more than a year and for the first time in his employed life, he is hearing talks of a Christmas bonus at his place of work. There, however, exists a dilemma.

“In my excitement I mentioned this bonus thing to your mum…and now she expects me to buy her something for Christmas. But I am clueless,” he mutters.

Owino is just one among the many partners who are clueless on what to get their better halves during this festive season. He is, however, aware that if he doesn’t get her anything, the mood in his house might turn for the worse.

“If I hadn’t told her any of this, then we would have been okay. Now there’s too much pressure on me,” he says. Being a casual labourer at a packaging company in Nairobi’s Industrial Area, Owino earns a monthly salary of Sh18,000 excluding allowances.

For the first time he will get a Sh9,000 bonus payment. It is from this amount that he hopes to do something extraordinary for his wife as well as his children.

Unknown to him, the consequences of him not doing anything special for his wife during this time might last the whole of next year.

The survey, conducted by Infotrak Research and Consulting also reveals that up to 80 per cent of married women would not take it lightly if their husbands do not go out of their way to make this period memorable.

According to the Survey findings, if the expectations are not met, majority of the women will need an explanation as to why nothing was done for them. Others would keep themselves busy and not return any favours during other festive occasions. Yet others will just accept and move on.

Spouse’s expectations

And as the year draws to a close, chances are that your spouse will still expect more from you.

For New Year’s, the top three expectations that married men have for their wives is that the two would start a joint investment, open savings account for their children and take their children to better schools.

Women, however, expect that at the beginning of the new year, the two heads of the home would sit down together and sychronise their new years’ resolution list, aim to improve their standards of living and that the man, in the coming year would take better care of the family. But, in the event that none of these expectations are met, a majority of relationships, marriages or engagements, would suffer, the survey shows.

Engaged men in long distance relationships expect their partners to move closer to where they are and should they propose during this period, they expect nothing short of ayes.

Engaged women expect that in the coming year, their partners will be more supportive of their careers, act more responsibly and put their relationship first and that those yet to propose to the women in their lives will do so.

“For many in relationships, these periods are normally used as a yardstick for the union. Women would gauge the seriousness of their suitor and stability of the relationship. Men will use this period to gauge if the women are ‘wife’ material,” sociologist Faith Atsango told The Standard on Sunday.

Despite the fact that everyone expects something from their partners, less than 20 per cent of those in relationships take time to budget for Christmas expenditures. In more than 80 per cent of the relationships, the man is expected to foot the bulk of, if not the whole holiday budget.

The role of women should, however, not be undermined as majority of the men agree that women are vital in the planning process, although remain non-committal in the actual financing of the agreed upon plans.

Plans for getaway

Across town in Nairobi’s Ngei Estate, 33-year-old Stephen Ndirangu has been planning a getaway for his family over the past four months. His budget currently stands at Sh150,000.

“So far, my wife has not even contributed a cent. I am not saying I want her to chip in, but she could at least show some intent by offering to pay for something,” he says. Therein, according to financial advisers, lies a great danger.

“Unless you are sure the other partner can fully shoulder the financial burden on his own, you need to take on some responsibility as well because when things become hard in the new year, the whole family feels the effect,” said personal financial planner Gregory Akumu.

Mr Akumu says that if the expenses are not agreed upon, the festivities will end in disagreement, failure to execute future plans, blame games among couples and insurmountable debt.

With the reverse holding true, he advises that couples plan together ahead of time. Although on different earning spectrums, both Owino and Ndirangu find themselves in a similar situation. They both have no clue to what their wives want for Christmas.

“These people (spouses) are a hard nut to crack. They all want change. Today they will want a handbag, tomorrow a pair of shoes. So I will not buy anything. If the getaway is not enough, too bad. She can’t stay mad at me forever,” Ndirangu said.

Owino’s reasoning is a bit different. “I would rather buy something she will not like than not buy anything at all. She has been the bedrock of our family this whole year. I must get her something,” he says.

Hints may have been dropped all year long by either partner but at the end of the day, some argue, it’s the thought that counts.