By TANIA NGIMA
Theatre of the absurd is the term given to plays and other forms of fiction with an absurd orientation that sprung up mainly in the late 1950s.
These productions flout all the rules by which plays and drama are judged. The dialogue often degenerates into meaningless babble. They start and end with arbitrary points and seem to lack all sense of perspective.
Welcome to our own homegrown ‘Theatre of the Absurd’. Created, grown and paid for by Kenyans, we have a production that rivals fiction.
Ours is real and can be observed in action a couple of times every year, provided it is not in recess.
Mundane issues
Their latest hits include ‘We will take a pay cut, but our allowances will continue to rise with no regard to the taxpayers’ and ‘Let us sit here and discuss who should fly the national flag, after all, there’s nothing more important to do today’.
However, my absolute favourite, which has earned the actors some choice titles, some too strong to be printed on national newspaper remains: ‘Who would like to be addressed as ‘Honourable’, regardless of how dishonourable their actions are?’
I hear part two discusses holding the poor, hapless audience in monetary contempt should they, inadvertently or otherwise, exercise their freedom of name-calling.
It is no wonder then that this institution has become one of the most lucrative to work in. Who wouldn’t want to be paid bucket loads of money to create productions that have no rhyme, no reason?
As the actors and actresses count down the four years left on their contracts, I have a few suggestions for them that will leave the legacy they so desire.
These play outlines are guaranteed to leave your audiences titillated. After all, you cannot afford to disappoint, can you?
First order of business: Since all the actors and actresses arrive on stage in luxury cars, flanked by bodyguards and their ever-adoring fans arrive on foot or by tuk tuk, let us ensure that the status quo remains the same.
Suitably empowering the fans to acquire luxury cars and the life to go with them, or at the very basic level just affording them a decent lifestyle, will close the gap between you and them. We cannot have that.
So strive to reduce the audience’s disposable income by arbitrarily increasing parking fees, taxes, reducing all subsidies and generally increase the cost of living.
Forget about the guy who talked about teaching a man how to fish.
You must be the sole fishermen to create even more dependence and emerge as heroes. Now that we have settled that little matter, let us move on to the ideas for production.
‘The cake is ours, let us eat it’. Instead of enabling different sectors in a bid to create sustainable wealth, you are better off scrambling for what little there is and then leaving your fans to pick up the crumbs.
Neighbouring countries that have been lobbying and succeeding in reducing interest rates, keeping business conditions favourable to market entrants and fighting corruption are quite possibly deluded into imagining this is what the fans want.
The fans are actually interested in scandalous displays like procurement scandals, committees that get paid to deliver shoddy reports and a security docket gone wild. Your house is not burning.
If the fans cannot afford to hire their own armed security, live in well-fortified neighbourhoods or travel in heavy armoured vehicles then surely that is their problem. It really is every man for himself.
Quick buck
‘What’s in it for me?’ It is the fans’ responsibility to finance your lifestyles. We cannot have it any other way.
Similarly, every opportunity you get to make a quick buck, be it inflating tenders by significant amounts or turning a blind eye to financial misdemeanours, is all in the line of duty.
You would certainly be doing the fans a disservice if you were to, say, conduct due diligence on vulnerable sectors such as agriculture which is in dire need of support and re-evaluation.
From the sugar cane to the dairy farmers, continue reminding them that they are nothing without you.
You will, henceforth, adjourn your sittings before you conclusively settle matters that are tied to sector reforms, forget that farmers’ livelihoods depend on this deal.
When you get back from holiday, your first order of business will be to lament how expensive life is and how your Sh1 million paycheck is hardly enough to sustain the multiple honourable hats you wear.
Rampant insecurity
‘Strategy is for the birds’. In this final play, you will display just how ineffectual it is to plan more than one pay slip ahead. Are the fans facing impending hunger? Who cares, you have amassed enough wealth and food suppliers to feed YOUR families for generations to come.
Is the country facing a near collapse of tourism due to rampant insecurity?
You shall show your fans just how effective burying your head in the sand, mud-slinging and blaming THEM for everything that’s going wrong is, all in a day’s work. You shall not, say, bring in reforms to the most vulnerable, ineffectual and corrupt sector, the police force.
Welcome to Kenya’s stellar Theatre of the Absurd production. Coming soon from the august House.
Ms Ngima is a strategy, finance and governance expert
tania.ngima@gmail.com
