Understanding the grieving process

Dr Margaret Mwenje

Grief is one of the most painful emotions we experience. It is the emotional reaction we have when we lose something or somebody dear to us. The reason we grieve is because we have made a big emotional investment in our loved ones, and when we lose them, we are left with a lot of emotional pain.

Symptoms of grief include crying, lack of appetite, heaviness in the chest, lack of sleep, sense of unreality, depression, absentmindedness and restlessness. Grieving is a very difficult task, and can be physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining. It is tiring. Sometimes you hope and wish the cloud of grief would pass over faster. Give yourself time to go through it. Grieving is a process. The loss itself is an event that happens in a certain time and day. However, grieving for that loss is a process not an event.

Some people feel uncomfortable being around a grieving person. They tell him not cry because his loved one is happier in heaven. People make it look like it is shameful, sinful or a sign of weakness to cry. But it is okay to grieve. If you feel like crying to grieve your loved one, go ahead. If you hold back your emotions and internalise them because you want everybody to think you are strong, you will suffer later when everybody else has recovered. Allow yourself to experience whatever emotions come with your grief. Do not suppress them or bottle them up because they will show up later. Postponed grief can be a killer. Try to talk about how you are feeling. As you talk about what happened and the loved one who passed on, you will discharge some of the emotions attached to the loss. When you don’t feel like talking but have some emotions you want to express, write in a journal.

Heal faster

Ask for help when you need it. It is important to have extra help and support when you are grieving.

Say goodbye to the loved one. During the funeral service take a look at the final resting place of your loved one and say goodbye. This helps you heal faster. Treasure the memories of your loved one. Some people in the intense stages of grief put all reminders of their loved ones in a box and give them away. Then when they get into the acceptance stages of grief, they wish they had kept some photos for memory or other items.

If you have lost a spouse, learn to do things for yourself that your spouse used to do. This may include cooking, paying bills, maintaining the car and house keeping. As you do these things, you will start to gain a new sense of mastery over your life. Eat well balanced diets and do physical exercises during your grieving process. This will help alleviate depression. Eating right also helps you think clearly. Avoid making major decisions when you are grieving, especially during the first year of a major bereavement. Remember your thinking process is distorted at this time and any major grief-impaired judgment can lead to a huge mistake of a lifetime. Avoid romantic involvements. Give yourself time to heal. Getting into a new relationship when you are grieving will make you transfer your unfinished business to it, which is not healthy at all. Giving children time to grieve is also very essential. You can also visit new places you always wanted to visit. Getting away gives you time to relax during grief.

Encouragement

As a friend of a grieving person be there for your friend throughout the process, not just for the first few days. Don’t tell your grieving friend to call you if he needs you. The fact is many grieving people will not call you. You need to call and check on them, stay connected, pray for them, be available to listen to them non-judgmentally, offer a supportive presence, give them a hug and encourage them to stay connected with a support system. Be a friend indeed.

margaretmwenje@yahoo.com

Five stages of grief

Denial and isolation

At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments or longer.

Anger

The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she’s dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

Bargaining

Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"

Depression

The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.

Acceptance

This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

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