Parenting teenagers the right way

Parenting older children is becoming complex with the passing of days, thereby calling for parents to change the skills their parents used on them ages ago, writes Phares Mutembei

Martin Murithi and his wife Lena are in a fix. They are almost giving up on their 17-year-old son.

The father cannot understand why his teenage son, Jeb, has a penchant for always being on the wrong side of the law. He breaks rules at home and school with reckless abandon; in a clear show that authority is alien to him.

Murithi says he is becoming more desperate and knows not how to rein him in, because Jeb has given the term ‘impunity’ a whole new meaning. His long-standing rebel behaviour is always driving the entire household up the wall.

“He is always upsetting the tranquil atmosphere that is our home. It is as if he loathes order, because he seems to be always looking for an opportunity to cause a ruckus. I have seen other teenagers misbehave, but I think our Jeb has upped the ante of teenage rebellion to a new level,” laments Murithi, a roads engineer.

“To contain him, we have set strict rules and terms of punishment he will endure if he breaks them. But even that has not motivated him to stop misbehaving. When he is not breaking the rules, he finds a way to bend them. I’m tired of whacking him or giving him work as a form of punishment,” Murithi says.

He is not alone. Managing children, and especially teenagers, can be a trying experience. Defiance, violent behaviour, negative peer pressure, alcohol and drug abuse are some of the issues that confront parents in the task of parenting older children.

In more complex situations, some parents are rendered helpless, having to watch their children abuse dangerous drugs, which has seen the rising cases of young adults being checked into drug rehabilitation centres.

Living in the past

Sara, 17, and her elder sister have taken their single mother to hell and back. The teenagers claim their mother lives in the past while they live in a changed world.

“What was wrong in her time is acceptable in our modern world, yet she wants us to do it her way,” they cry.

“My mum is a single parent. She has brought us up by working hard, which we appreciate. However, we don’t get along all the time because she demands us to do some things her way. My sister and I often gang up against her to get our way. It is unfair, but it helps us,” reveals Sara.

It was in the recognition of these challenges that the Parenting in Africa Symposium was held in Nairobi recently.

The international meeting brought together parenting professionals to discuss developing challenges that affect the development of children and share knowledge on positive parenting.

McBain Mkandawire, the executive director of Youth Net in Malawi, is a father of three; two teenagers and a 12-year-old boy. His family had its share of problematic teenagers but he learned from the experience.

“It was tough dealing with my firstborn son because I didn’t have the experience of dealing with teenager problems. He was rebellious and tended to look down upon his mother. He didn’t want to listen to anybody and claimed he was an adult,” said Mkandawire.

“Whenever I travelled, he quarrelled with his mother. They became great enemies! One day, we had an open talk with him and he told us he didn’t like how we treated him — like a child. He also was uncomfortable because he felt we didn’t trust him enough,” reveals Mkandawire.

How parents react to their children worsens the situation, causing the child to be rude. However, they realised they didn’t react in the right manner because they also had their issues, says Mkandawire.

Ncarelo Mlilo, a senior programmes manager at the Nelson Mandela Children’s Fund in South Africa, advises parents to invest in their children from an early age. Unfortunately, many children are neglected until they are older.

“When parents form a friendship with their children from an early age, they are more open about issues that are important to them. That makes it easier to form lasting friendships, which is good for growth and crucial in managing challenges,” says Ncarelo, whose foundation funds teen programmes.

“I have a 17-year-old boy and we are close friends. From the beginning I defined for him what we stood for as a family. We have not had any problem with him like smoking or any other,” she states.

Ncarelo says modern parents have to tap into indigenous knowledge by adopting approaches that are cognisant of value systems that sustained families in the past.

“Parents need to define what the world is to their children. They need to define for them the values and principles and start educating them early because if they go wrong at teenagehood, it is difficult to restore them back,” Ncarelo says.

She adds that it is mandatory to shape behaviour and build trust at an early age, which makes it easier for children to want to involve parents in their lives.

The ability to set boundaries in a consultative atmosphere is important, too. When the youngsters are involved in setting the rules and the consequences of over-stepping the limits, it is more likely the rules will be respected. Helping them to name and voice their feelings can prevent tantrums and emotions that come from not being able to say, “I’m angry” or “I’m disappointed!”

Father figure

Trevor Davies, the executive director of African fatherhood Initiative in Zimbabwe — a group that seeks to get men actively involved in parenting — says, other than loving their children, parents have to know them, know what they are good at and their opinion on certain issues.

Davies says it is important for parents to take the trouble to become part of their children’s lives!

“Fathers especially need to talk more with their children and to mentor them. We need to also recognise that they live in a different and difficult era. Sometimes I think we criticise our teenagers unfairly,” says Davies.

Men, he says, ought to be more responsible and support women in parenting duties, which are sometimes overwhelming. They also ought to take time to learn parenting skills, and need knowledge to play their roles in the development of their children,” says Davies, who takes care of his children when his wife is away from home.

Julia Starck, a manager at Teen Parenting Programme in South Africa, says bringing up teenagers can be quite a fulfilling affair, as her experience with her teenage sons proved.

“It offered my partner and I the opportunity to prevent them from experimenting with risky, unhealthy behaviour. As a family, we have values in place. We encouraged them to get involved in healthy and positive activities such as sporting. That meant they were positively busy and had no time to go take drugs.

“They also developed an identity of their own and we didn’t have to deal with destructive behaviour,” says Starck, who is also the chairperson of the Parenting in Africa Network, which has a vision to promote skilful parenting in Africa.

Strong families

“In their teens we got interested in their friends and got to know them, without intruding. I worry a lot, so learning to let them go on with their lives as teenagers was difficult,” she says.

Josephine Gitonga, who runs the Parenting in Africa Network from Nairobi, says the goal of the network is to address the challenges that contribute to child neglect, which give birth to more challenges in parenting.

“If parents are empowered by being given knowledge and skills in parenting, we can strengthen families and significantly make our children’s upbringing better,” she concludes.