Why hasn’t he texted after our date? Why does he pull away every time we get close? Was it just about the sex? Why doesn’t he make a move when I’m now into him? Sounds familiar? ALLAN OLINGO ushers you into the world of mind games
Women are supposed to be the mysterious ones who play mind games and all. But in the dating jungle, men are as manipulative as women! Their behaviour can be confusing, frustrating and maddening. They tease you with sweet love nothings, flattering texts and romantic phone calls only to either turn around, hold back, disappear or even disappoint!
You have probably heard about the dating ‘rules’ women are advised about; don’t approach him first, don’t immediately pick up his call, wait for four days to call him back after the first date or even act like you are not interested. Just like women, men play mind games and are good at it.
Kenneth Njeru*, 29, a banker, has come to believe that women will always like fiction, so he enjoys telling them the lies and for him, after the first night, he is done.
So how does he do it?
"Before the first night, I always have an exit plan. I will tell her something that she won’t like about me or something that is true but which I had not revealed earlier — like I am dating someone else, she’s nagging, she’s older, I want to keep her as a friend and wait if things will work out later between the two of us, she will dump you as fast as you wanted and that’s what I want," says Kenneth.
Because of the possibility of such trickery, a woman may often wonder what’s wrong with her man: "Why hasn’t he texted after our date? Why does he pull away every time we get close? Was it just about the sex? Why doesn’t he make a move when I am now into him? Will he ever commit?"
Emotional freedom
In her book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love, Diana Kirschner says to have emotional freedom in dating, it is crucial to be like an anthropologist in the world of men, to study them and understand their unique qualities and attributes.
"Men play out unconscious and conscious games, which create a maddening push-pull with your heart," writes Kirschener.
Women who play hard to get
Another mind game involves cracking the hard nut — women who play hard to get.
To get such a woman, Kevin Thiga*, an auditor says he always pretends to be disinterested in any sexual advances but rather concentrates on her traits and values.
"You see, when you camouflage by getting to know her better and being a genuine friend who cares for her, she will slowly crack and you will have a chance with her," says Kevin.
"She may actually fall for you. It’s the only way you can have your cake and eat it."
So how does a man know that the women is for keeps and not to be played around with?
"It depends on the guy, but for me, it is when she knows her values and keeps them. I like women who inspires a man to want to be with her, spend time with her, respect her, possibly take her to forever," says Kevin.
Men also play emotional games to have an upper hand in the relationship, as they are driven by fear and insecurities.
Kevin says most men who have perfected this art will always let the woman open up about herself and use the hints dropped to their own advantage.
"It’s almost like a silent rule. Don’t talk much about yourself, let her say everything about herself so you know which buttons to press. Also make her feel like she’s the one controlling your life, when you know
very well you are in control," he says. Men will test their women through jokes about critical issues like commitment and marriage just to watch the reaction.
"There are occasions when you will hear him talk about his married friends and their marriage. He will talk about the way she treats his friends. He just wants to know if she is cynical and her views on marriage," says Michael Mwai*, a programme officer at an international NGO.
Michael says many men will always pretend they are not in any committed relationship and are available and most women like this.
"Playing games is manipulative especially when one engages in those emotional games men play by pretending to be the victim when his randy habits are challenged. The woman is forced to stand by him through the bad and horrible times," says Kennedy Miduwa, a psychologist in Nairobi.
There are many more mind games, like when a man ensures a woman is smitten by him. He does this to make her feel like she really matters even if he only wants her for the night.
But why do men use mind games?
Miduwa says it’s one of the ways a relationship can be saucy and interesting.
"Men do this to tease women and most of the time, when you have a man who loves playing these games, things in your relationship will always be hot and spicy," says Miduwa.
Men often use mind games to gauge a woman’s interest and their commitment levels in them.
"It’s childish but we are all afraid of rejection so a man will resort to mind games just to see if a woman is interested in him or not," admits Mwai.
Miduwa says often a man feigns busyness when a woman calls or texts him, avoids her calls, advances .
But Miduwa empasises that this is not the best way to determine if a woman is interested in a man.
"I have seen this backfire so many times. For men, I always recommend using the direct approach when trying to determine if a woman is interested in you," says Miduwa.
REFUSE THE GAME
So what can you do about all this as a woman?
First, make yourself aware of the typical male mind games so that you can recognise them when they happen.
Then, refuse to tolerate them. As soon as one crops up, put your foot down.
Tell him you’re not going to put up with any mind games from him.
