Money has been said to be the largest marriage killer, more lethal than infidelity, writes ANTHONY KAGIRI
It is the touchy, hot and divisive issue that so often break up love birds who otherwise love and adore one another. Money answers all things but the lust and disagreements over it so often lead to pain and separation in marriage.
Missing key steps in handling it can either be the deal breaker or remain the persistent thorn in the flesh. For those who survive the threat by default, the topic of money is rarely discussed. Often lost are the opportunities of sharing finances with those we love.
However, despite the gloomy picture, it is possible to enjoy marriage whether you barely have enough or are in financial abundance. In dealing with money, it is never about its scarcity or abundance, but the management of what is available. Actually, in most cases, those with little rarely disagree over it.
OUR MONEY
Owing to the power money has, agreement on it often helps spouses agree on almost everything else. Graduating from ‘my money’ to ‘our money’ is the height of agreement on finances in marriage.
It is reaching the level where you gladly sacrifice personal freedom for the good of the unity, which is the joy of marriage.
The catalyst to this is reciprocity. When each spouse is genuine, it refreshes the desire of sharing together amidst the competing temptation of concealing. How much you earn should remain irrelevant and no one should make his/her partner feel less important because they bring in less.
Marriage should be the equalising factor and each partner should be respected and valued despite what they bring. When partners hold on to the ‘my money’ mentality, it easily tempts one to value the other on the basis of how much they earn.
TALK ABOUT IT
Talking about money openly and genuinely with your spouse makes this journey easier. The fact that you are not fighting about money does not necessarily mean that all is well. It is better to talk about it and fight but ultimately get a way forward than keep off the topic only to explode later.
If you feel cheated and ignored, don’t keep it to yourself or rush to share it with friends; let your spouse know how you feel.
At this point it is important to share your expectations on the use of money and what would ensure that each feels respected, involved and valued. Here, none is superior and no one should allocate themselves the role of king.
You might not agree on everything but laying down general principles helps you navigate the storms.
Different couples have adopted diverse ways of using their money together. Some have joint accounts where they deposit all they earn then use it jointly, while others allocate different bills and responsibilities to the different earnings. Some couples meet their bills according to what is available to them at the time of the need.
SECRET ACCOUNTS
There is no method that is superior to the other as long as there is a deliberate effort to ensure transparency and accountability. Regular consultations help in this process.
There is the persistent question of secret accounts. Mothers have often advised daughters to keep some money aside for a ‘rainy day’. While this may sound noble, it often backfires because when a man discovers that his wife has a separate secret account, trust is compromised and the tendency is to think more is hidden.
Some husbands even go to the extent of imagining that "she has been stealing from me all along". The reflex action then is to do the same: hide some money too, and the result is dishonesty and pain in marriage.
One can save some money separate from the joint accounts, but it is wise that your spouse is aware of it.
At the early stages of marriage, using your money jointly might make you feel like your space has been invaded. But keeping the right attitude makes things easier.
Appreciate that it is not easy to give out the sweet freedom of money, but using your money together is good for the union.
