By Mark Mutahi

There is no research done yet but it would be so off the mark to conclude there is something else that travels faster than gossip! I found out after making the stupid mistake of escorting the landlord’s daughter to her house after midnight. There were various versions of the story but they all seemed to concur that I actually left her house after spending several hours!

Of course, the truth is that I left her at the door, thanks to catechism classes back in the day. I was tempted to don a T-shirt with the words ‘DON’T JUDGE ME; I AM NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH MY BOSS’. But then it occurred to me no one would believe I could afford to wear a custom-printed T-shirt without resorting to an affair with my boss!

Hire girlfriend

The solution lay in showing the world that I was already in another relationship. Problem, I wasn’t. This is because I have been saving to upgrade my Nokia 3310! But there was my ever-resourceful cousin and all I needed was to give him money to hire a girlfriend for me. She would come visit me at work and pretend to be lovey-dovey and this would put the matter of having an affair with my boss to rest.

"Meet Sasha, my girlfriend," I said to Gloria and Jicho Pevu as soon as Cousin Meshak brought me a woman who looked like a million dollars after tax. My workmates were obviously impressed but they couldn’t help wondering how I landed a girl whose clothes and accessories looked like they were worth five years of my rent. And just like me, they were also probably wondering whether the name Sasha was more likely to be found in the good book or in a massage parlour.

Convincing

To keep her mouth busy for those moments she was not blowing kisses in my direction, I kept delivering her drinks. It did not take long for Gloria and Jicho Pevu to be convinced Sasha was my girlfriend. The only disappointment was they would now have to look for something else to gossip about.

"Now can I have my money?" Sasha said as we neared closing time.

"I thought Meshak..." I started knowing very well that I had given Cousin Meshak money to pay her in advance.

"What? Don’t try that on me," she barked.

"Shhh ..." I pleaded after realising Cousin Meshak had pulled a fast one on me. "We can talk this over ..."

"Shame on you! Talk about what? We had already agreed I am for hire," she said bluntly and loudly. The pub fell silent as all eyes turned on me. Now the secret was out!

"She is just drunk ... don’t you worry," I said trying to fake a laugh.

"Loser!" she countered. "I want my money now or I ..."

"OK ... OK," I said not wanting further embarrassment as I made my way towards the counter to ‘borrow’.