By Politically incorrect

When defilement of little children started rearing its ugly head, a politician stood up on a podium and compared the defilers to 'animals'. Jean Gilchrist, the feisty animal welfare crusader associated with KSPCA, was not amused. "Animals don’t defile their young," she roared.

And she was right. In many ways, animals are much smarter than we give them credit for. No male animal would ever mount an underage female – or any female who is not on heat. Equally, no animal would ever battle an opponent that is obviously stronger. If you have seen a dog with its tail coiled between its legs, you know what I mean.

But human beings are mad. You have probably seen a weakling get into battle with a man who is twice as tall and big when its obvious to everyone present that he will be clobbered silly – if not killed outright. And so it is with elections – especially in Kenya.

nonexistent biceps

Let’s face it. Everyone knows who will win the 2012 presidential poll. But that won’t bar a few jokers from throwing their hats in the ring. A few, like Bifwoli Wakoli, will do so for fun. But some will flex their nonexistent biceps, sell their land, mortgage their homes, send their sons-in- law dowry demand notes and jump into the race. And they will be walloped big time.

After their inevitable loss, they will call a press conference and whine about ‘massive irregularities’ without placing a shred of evidence on the table. Rather than cut their losses and run, they will move to the courts to challenge the election and lose once more. Then they will spend the next five years kicking infantile fusses in the glare of television cameras, if only to remain relevant.

More intriguing, however, is that there really will be nothing to fight over. There is no botched memorandum of understanding.

It won’t be politically correct to fuss about a ‘stolen election.’ Majimbo is history. Matters to do with The Hague are dead and buried. And we have a new constitution. So what is it that politicians will battle over?

female Speaker

In the old days, they could have fought over development records. But with every constituency boasting of its own development fund from the exchequer, there really isn’t much to say, other than insult each other and rally clans and tribes into lost causes.

 Perhaps, and this is just a hypothesis, the greatest loser in 2012 might be the Speaker of the National Assembly who might be forced to relinquish his post in line with Kenya’s age old and unwritten regional balancing policy.

The only positive thing about it is that his stepping aside could lead to the election of Kenya’s first female Speaker who, apart from being obviously qualified for the job, will be hired to appease the Mt Kenya region. Typically, clowns who can’t even spell the word ‘order’ will throw their hats into the ring, too.Â