By Tony Ngare

Mike and I have been friends for a long time — ever since the glorious college days. We have been through all the ups and downs life has to offer. We have blown away thousands of shillings on dubious ends and then suffered through our brokenness and regret together. When Mike secured an important job interview, he immediately phoned me and requested that I spare some time to help him forage through endless clothes stalls for something presentable to wear come D-day. Yes, thanks largely to my input, Mike is now a big shot with an international organisation.

I seem to be his lucky charm so, last month, when he was shopping for a car, he called on my services.

But Mike is not the first friend I have taken car shopping. I have learnt through experience never to portray more than casual interest in a car — salespeople react to emotional buyers like sharks react to blood in the water.

Drive home a deal

If you feel your heart might get ahead of your head, take along a confidante (such as yours truly) to keep you out of trouble. You should convey a ‘take it or leave it’ impression — and the more convincing your performance, the more likely you will drive home a deal.

Getting emotional about a new car is fine. Once you get home with it you are allowed to hug it, kiss it and steal your spouse’s toothbrush so that you can scrub the tyres. Goodness…you could even sleep in the car if you wish. But when you are shopping for a car, it will serve you best to remain aloof and detached like our politicians. The last thing you want to do is to wear your heart on your sleeve.

We visited several car yards along Ngong Road and the Hurlingham area and I could not fail to notice how salespeople attach human qualities to the cars.

I made enquiries about a strong-looking black four-wheel-drive vehicle and the saleslady had no qualms referring to the behemoth as sweet and lovely.

"She is neat. She is striking and she knows how to respond to your needs," she purred. This description sounded like a line from a cheesy romance novel.

Responsible housewife

I explicitly told her that I intended to drive that car when I hit 45 not now so we moved on swiftly to a blue Toyota Vitz. Our saleslady was at it again.

"She is like a responsible housewife," she started. "She is not only economical but considerate."

I stole a glance at Mike to check whether he was buying into all this persuasion, but he seemed lost. Perhaps he was imagining scuttling down Mombasa Road to show off to his folks.

Since I was now beginning to enjoy the saleslady’s pitches, I decided to approach a Toyota Vista. This is much larger than a Vitz but still not in the same league as the big four-wheel-drive cars. I could hardly wait to hear how she would describe the car. Actually I suspected that she might be lost for words but I was mistaken.

"This car is like the modern professional lady," she started. That almost had me choking on the bottled water I had brought along to deal with the hot conditions at the car yards.

"She is sleek, a go-getter and yet beautiful!" she exclaimed.

However, since I did not want to miss out on another rollicking description of a vehicle, I asked her how she would describe a tractor if she had one at the car yard. "A tractor is like a rural woman. Hard working, solid, dependable, muddy…" she insisted, much to my amusement.

Next to us there were three young women admiring a red Volkswagen Golf. My curiosity got the better of me and I eavesdropped on the haggling. I was surprised to hear yet another saleslady try to sell them the car — this time, describing it as a man.

"This is a lovely car. He is like an obedient hubby," she started. "You can always count on him," she continued.

"He is cute and elegant," she added. Wherever you go, he exudes confidence and declares that you love playing hard ball…"

Well, Mike did not go home with a new car that day, but he fell in love with several cars. How could he not? I am glad I accompanied him, kept him sane and prevented him from eloping with a car. Hopefully, soon he will make a rational decision and we can go and pay the dowry … er make a down payment.

— tonyngare@eastandard.net