First of all Brenda nuthin' happened to yur fone Photo: Harry

As I checked in on Sato from Espanola via Addis Ababa on a tired commercial flight, American bad boy n singer Chris Brown waz cruising into Mombao for a concert at the Golf Course in a privately chartered jet. (I wanted to say ‘jetski’ then realised that alreadee exists in form of the water rider).

The jet that bad Brown flew down on is a Gulf Stream – n we saw him chilling on its leather seats as he checked out his lappie on the faux pas woodie meza in front of him, with lotsa mags on a side rack.
Yeah! Thaz watt it means to be a super star.

Brown dude waz also being paid ninety metre for a ninety-minute performance!!! Thaz like a meter for a minute of singing, manze. Hebu meza mate.
Then he landed in Coasto, n one of those selfie stalkers called Brenda Chepkoech tried to force a selfie.
N the man who once beat Rihanna black n blue, n held a pistol to some hoe who’d tiffed jewelery from his digs, promptly snatched the phone n later tossed it outta his limo – n you shoulda seen that Brenda (hi, Bree Chee!) whine about the incident: ‘I never imagined something like this wud ever happen to me.’

And funny #KOT try to pull an Olomide by insussing that Chris Brown be kicked outta Kenya.
First of all, Brenda, nuthin’ happened to you, yur fone just got thrown by a star. Gerr over it!
This whining ati ‘I bought my I-phone 6 just last month and seeing it tossed like a cheap mulika mwizi really hurt me’ is cheap talk. If it caused you so much trauma, go see Dr Frank Njenga to get over the grief. Chris Brown don’t give a sh*t.
Fan Brenda went ahead to say she has taken selfies with Uhunye, Rutoski, Avril and Eric Omondi.
So what, does that give her the license to get a pic with Chris Brown?
I hear Sauti Sol, DJ Styles, Dave the Student, Willis ‘big lips’ Raburu, Joe Muchiri, governors Kingi and Joho, our KTN-ers Betty Kyalo n Lola Harrigan as well as ole Pulser n fashionista Sylvia Njoki were all at the show. Go get selfies with these peeps. Wachana na super stars who don’t want yuer selfie shiznit.
N #KOT should also chill out, not be bi**hes about every-ting, every time.

Last time round, Koffi waz just practicing his song ‘Iko Teke’ with his singer Cindy at the airport, n next ting, he’s been booted outta Kenya, thanks to the niggaz of #KOT, summa who have itchy type tweet fingers like Donald Trump at three in the cocks. (I think Trump sleep-tweets at three am, as in he dreams he is scratching his butt, buuuut, kumbe ana-tweet. Thaz why his night tweets are so asinine).

Then there was the TeeZee tweef goin’ down at the Coasto performance.
Apparently, Ali Kiba had to cut his performance short coz the mike shorted/outed on him coz, wait for it, Diamond’s manager Said Fella went backstage to switch sound off as Ali Kiba performed.
At least that was what Kiba believes.

Lez see how this plays out. So Diamond gets the news that Ali Kiba has been given the contracto to perform with Chris Brown insteada him, n goes crazy with jealousy. They huddle with Fella n Zari, n come up with a cunning plan.
‘Sasa Said, we utapanda hii jumbo jet uendee uko Mombasa. Sasa vile Yule ndugu Ali Kiba akiwa anasokota ngoma, pap, kata stima ya mike yake! Ndio nexty taimu, yule dada wa makalio kubwa Nikki Minaj atapofika kufanya concert uko Kenya, ni Platnumz na sio Kiba wataalika kumfungulia show.’
Talkin’ of Diamond, Willy Paul should know he looks like a god damn clown tryin’ to dress up n act like Diamond. Be yourself, you fake-a** youngling.

Otherwise his nemesis, Bahati, wen he stops jumping on tables n sitting on presidential chairs, should sing Willy Paul this Eminem song –
‘But if you feel like I feel I got the antidote, Willy Paul wave your pantyhose n sing this chorus that goes – I’m Diamond Platnumz, n your pretending to be a diamond, Willy Paul, is just irritating ...’
Some days I feel like Willy Paul just oughta lie low like an antelope; or else go n hump a cantaloupe.