Kutoa lock. Photo: Nanjero

Keys, surely, have an attitude against humans, meaning they have a mind of their own.

How else do you explain how you place house keys on top of the coffee table in the sitting room, only for them to disappear when you’re late for an urgent appointment at Jubilee headquarters over payment after   branding Prados?

After an hour of sweating all the way to your butt crack, you finally locate the keys chini ya pillow in the bedroom!

Keys have worse issues with God-fearing Kenyans whose chief hobby is ruining the liver, yet Kenya has a scarcity of specialists in that department.

Take Owish for instance. ‘Jakom’ drunk himself into a stupor the other day, only to remember - at midnight - that he left his house keys in his drawer in that law firm where no one knows whether he works as a tea or tyre boy.

With Gachiri, the taxi driver, charging Sh2,000 to town, Owish opted for a Sh500 room at Raha Yangu Bar & Lodging, where mismatched sleepers are cut in half and the cold shower rushes full force from the pipe above that has no sprinklers.

Owish, after enduring a night of screams from couples breaking a certain commandment (yet every lodging has a Gideon’s Bible), had to buy a sweater to camouflage the fact that he was wearing the same clothes to work, only for the sun to bake up the earth!

Kot-Kot, too, has had his fair share of mishaps with the house key. He once bought a new padlock, the kind that senses there is a burglar after too many trials at opening. Kot-Kot fiddled with his own padlock, inserting keys with a force that saw the padlock double locking itself. Kot-Kot explained that “nilijifunika na ngumi” while sleeping on the verandah outside his door, only to be woken up that Sunday morning by a new tenant chick he had been salivating over kwa hiyo flat! Kot-Kot is sheng for a burglar, hence the nickname.

The funniest case of keys conspiring against the people involved is that of Kang’ethe, the ‘old metal’ at the local. He forgot his house keys inside his jalopy and on arriving outside his house (the long-suffering wife was away in rural Mweiga, Nyeri County), he tried, for hours, to open the steel door with  his car keys...using the alarm button, for that matter!


The local;Kutoa local;Uncle jeuri