Mabibi na mabwana, open letter to Nairobi Park lions

Mabibi na mabwana,

Simba, I understand you have lately developed a curious habit of taking leisurely strolls from your leafy suburb into the heart and soul of the urban jungle that is Nairobi.

First, let me make it clear that while your status as ‘King of the Jungle’ counts for something in the bushes, in our modern outside world, you are nothing. The people who call the shots here are cops, small time gangsters, pata potea con artists, women who drug drunkards, street urchins, bedbugs, celebs, matatu drivers, politicians and oh yes, pastors. So if you imagine that we will kowtow when you strut into town, keep dreaming.

Second, yours is clearly a case of daydreaming that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Just because one or two rhinos were killed in your park, some fool has cheated you that Nairobi City is safer. Please! In case you watch TV, you might be familiar with a tough guy called Mike Sonko.

He used to strut around town with bodyguards brandishing guns in public. Last week, hooligans shot one of those guards dead. Just like that. You see, our world is strictly Darwinian, where survival is for the fittest. Unfortunately, you clowns have spent so many years cat walking for tourists and dining on free steak and mineral water to appreciate this reality.

Third, you guys are lazy. The world doesn’t owe you a living. You are so spoilt that you now consider it beneath you to chase warthogs all over the plains and chew them. You now want marinated meat, which is the reason you occasionally wander into manyattas in Kajiado to steal sheep and goats. My friends, don’t you dare ape our thieving habits.

Just because Maasais in Kajiado no longer wear shukas, it does not mean they are cowards. They will kill you-oo! While we are likely to elect people who stole from NYS into high office, truth is if you guys steal a Maasai man’s goat, he will kill you and those KWS guys will do absolutely nothing other than declare tigritude.

Fourth, I hear you are less than 13 in number in that Nairobi Park of yours. It’s none of my business, but I suspect your women sneak into abortion clinics in Nairobi in the dead of the night to flush cub foetuses into the murky Nairobi River. That or the men are lazy. Thirteen lions in a whole freaking national park? Get jiggy with it, damn it!

Not that it is such a bad thing anyway. You guys are dying. Your small park is also dying and we feel zilch. The wildebeests, zebras and warthogs you used to chew for breakfast are gone because the land leading to the Athi Kapiti plains where they used to chill out and fatten for your palates during the wet season has been converted to flats and shambas.

I bet you’ve also seen a big highway snaking through your park. The Standard Gauge Railway is also coming. If you guys had any brains, you would smell the coffee, stop chewing miraa around Langa’ta and pack your bags for exile in Somalia!