How to handle a hardcore wife

By Tony M

Some women are impossible to live with — unless of course you are a gentleman of the first class disorder. It does not matter how far you go, or how high you rise in this world. They will never respect you. They think: "You mean this ka-useless man of mine can become a "fill in the gap?" even as they scratch-a-wig that looks like a random’s bird’s nest in utter bewilderment.

Now, out of respect for International Women’s Day last week, I lay low like an antelope.

But ‘man only’ time is here again, so here I come, guns blazing like a cowboy in Nevada, to protect our men from all that nada.

Never ever take disrespect from your woman right from the Monopoly word "Go," otherwise she will grow horns like a buffalo with time, and bore or gore you.

Here we go…

If a woman makes your life hard by screaming at you all the time, respond with an utter, icy silence. If her temperament is as hot as the Sahara, become as cold as the frosty tundra of Siberia. Soon, she’ll get fed up of shouting at a sphinx like you, and vent her spleen in a more reasoned, rationalised way. Nothing beats a man’s confidence down more than being verbally battered by the woman who is supposed to love, adore and massage the ego.

Now, being verbally shredded behind closed doors is bad. But your woman tearing you to pieces, ati "you useless feller" in front of your office peers or beer buddies is almost as awful as worshipping Baal in the land of Canaan.

There is no way any other man will respect you ever again if your woman can give you a tongue lashing in broad public. The answer to this one is simple — pretend you have never set eyes on her in your life. Or if she’s known as your wife, say in an amazed voice: "Didn’t we agree that you’d handle the divorce in a less excitable manner?" Believe me, she’ll never repeat public humiliation.

Kaa ngumu

If your woman makes impossible demands, such as you must first go over to your office to tell off a colleague she thinks is your ‘friend’, simply refuse and walk out and away.

Or on the other hand, sit down on a chair and ‘kaa ngumu’ and refuse to move. Kwani she’ll do what?

Diddly-squat, that’s what!

Don’t call back that ‘suspicious’ number that rang, or give in to demands to see the SMSes on your phone. That just encourages future disrespect. The lady must know that much as you are ‘two-in-one’ like a cheap supermarket offer, you too need your privacy.

Then there are the whiners and sulkers among our lady folk.

The only place and time to moan is one, otherwise you begin to sound like a refugee from a funeral in Western Kenya. Naggers should also know that to a man’s ears, their noise is as irritating as a radio left on high pitched static. When you’re whining, what a man hears is "ng'wee ng'weee ng'wee ng'wee nyuuuiiiiii!" Like VoK, at 12 past noon back in the 1980s before transmission started. Keep it low.

Dealing with them

As colleague Asego says every time I’m writing a piece, pecking sounds should not be heard either from modern computers or modern wives hen-pecking their husbands.

Moving on swiftly, and this is advice you’ll never hear from gentler souls like Zawadi Lompisha, some women threaten their men passively. They stop cooking, stop doing the laundry and even freeze love ATM machines.

This one is a cakewalk. Start eating out, wash your clothes then wear them un-ironed.

If she says "what do people say about your recent rumpled look?" reply in a grumbled up tone: "I simply tell them that I have a very lazy wife, and they understand."

However hard, if she’s withholding certain rights, don’t ask, beg or cajole — the ABC of being pathetic. Soon enough, normal services will resume as she presumes you are about to change "service provider".