Harold's side beaten badly in watchman elections

SUNDAY MAGAZINE |

 

Those with decent memories remember that last week, Sue led a crowd of church heathens into Harold Assembly of Holy Associates (HAHA) church to watch TV.

How they were able to sneak into a church guarded by Githendu, who claims to have been trained by Hitler himself on how to spot and wrestle intruders and other dangerous criminals, we couldn’t understand.

And so as Kiambaa went into a by-election, Gitegi was having its by-election for the position of the church’s watchman.

Harold was backing Njaramba, the man who keeps the TV remote’s batteries. Sue, who led the opposing faction, supported Thiong’o, who keeps matchboxes that are used to light cigarettes at the pub, and who, a fan of violence, fans chaos when need be.

Ndumia, known to be Harold’s nemesis, was, after a very unusual pact reached after they shared a milkshake with Harold, supporting Njaramba.

We had two days of campaigning after which the newly formed Gitegi Electoral Commission of Kenyan Optimists (Gecko) organised elections.

The formula of winning includes the political leanings of the commissioners, which is why the commission is called “optimists”.

They sometimes pick the candidate who lost if the margin of loss is narrow, and if they feel such a candidate deserved to win.

Yours truly was Harold’s chief strategist. Trained in the school of Debunking Propaganda (DP), I managed to sway some voters to Harold’s side. There was a feeling that there would be voter apathy from churchgoers, who would normally root for Harold because Ndumia had joined him.

Political pundits said the outcome of the elections would determine what happens in 2022, when the chairman of the local gossip club, the church, and the pub will be elected.

Harold will be seeking re-election in all three positions, running against his main competitor Sue. If anyone manages to clinch any two seats of these three, they become Gitegi’s supreme leader.

Harold might also back another candidate; he’s already on his ninth term after all. But in a village that is in a country in a continent where everyone breaks rules with impunity, he will most likely contest.

His sweetheart Sue, with whom he wore matching kitenge outfits a few years ago, is now his main rival.

The by-elections took place alright and yours truly started broadcasting results from the time the first vote was cast.

The protestations, however, began in earnest when we realised that, despite a voter turnout of just over half of the village population, the tally had exceeded a hundred per cent of all possible votes, including if toddlers had voted.

Adjusted or not, Thiong’o was winning. We held protests, but GECKO went on to announce the winner. Harold had lost big time.

Now there is disquiet among members of The Harold party, especially as debate rages on whether the recent loss means that Harold will lose in 2022.

As other stalwarts called for me to resign for poor planning, I went to the media (members of the gossip mill) and told them what I have been taught to say in my many years of watching Kenyan politics: I would rather die than resign.

Sue, to celebrate the results, invited everyone to the pub and had them drinking silly. She had beaten Harold, a man who has dominated everything in the village. 

As the opponents celebrated, I knew it was time for our party to regroup and find a way back. We planned to have a meeting at the same time our rivals were celebrating.

“They will never know what hit them,” I told Harold, who gleefully agreed. When the meeting began, Harold was nowhere to be seen.

A spy we had sent to the pub to see who the moles in our party were, and to tell us what the drunkards were discussing, brought us news that Harold was the chief mole.

Sue’s chief strategist was there as well, drunk as a fish, toasting to Thiong’o’s victory and calling yours truly a fool and a spineless loser.

ptheuri@standardmedia.co.ke

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