By Kipkoech Komugor
There are concerns that Kenyans are plunging headlong into the brewing pot. But in the same musty breath, it is claimed that Kenyans are deeply religious people. That is no contradiction in statements. The truth is that Kenyans are religiously committed to their tipple.
The ‘tipple-cal’ Kenyan has a seven-day religious cycle where he migrates from one religion to another like a nomad in the desert.
Concurs with St Paul
Monday, fundamentalist: It is a sin to touch any drink that is not tea, milk, soup or water. The mere sight of a strong drink is repulsive. Tipple-cal Kenyan entertains fantasies that suggest he and Osama bin Laden are on the same spiritual sphere, such as looking at bars with a powerful urge to blow them up.
He calls the bar owners ‘infidels’. Like a hermit hiding in the Afghan mountains, he avoids people who drink like the plague, arrives home by 6pm and goes straight into Monday evening worship pose: Feet on the table, remote control in hand.
Tuesday, protestant: He still gives the bars a wide berth but doesn’t feel like Osama any more. He thinks the guys in there are OK, if a little careless with their money and family responsibilities. His protestant drink ethic? By all means avoid the bottle, but if you must, be a moderate drinker.
Today he concurs with St Paul that a little wine is not bad for the stomach. Thus, if a cocktail where a few glasses of wine accompanied by small talk were to present itself, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to give it a shot.
After a couple of glasses of wine, he can be in a position to practice his protestant faith more effectively: He can protest with righteous indignation the injustices of the political class; he can protest when the matatu conductor appears to be ripping him off; he can protest vehemently when the askari takes a tad too long to open the gate…
Wednesday, Judaist: Drink is for special and holy occasions like a date with a member of the opposite sex on their special night. It takes away inhibitions, ‘weakening the body’ and ‘allowing the soul to shine through’ according to one Internet rabbi. Since it is matters of the soul, what better way to approach the dating ritual than with the ‘King of beverages’ -— as them Jews refer to wine — being the libation of choice at the altar?
Industrious societies
Thursday, Catholic: A couple of drinks with friends after a long day at work never hurt anyone. It eases the nerves and helps with sleep. Ah, it’s the vagaries of the rat race and God knows a participant needs to unwind to stay sane. Besides, that important deal just came through and there is cause (and cash) for celebration.
But celebrations sometimes involve overindulgence – just a little to allow tipplecal Kenyan Catholic to arrive home merrily singing Christian hymns (corrupted).
Friday, alcoholic: It is an immensely popular religion that is practised in most industrial societies with a workweek that begins on Monday and ends on Friday. To celebrate the end of the week, worshipers pour into shrines ranging from stuffy five-star establishments to seedy slum shebeens to give their offerings to the drink god.
Tipplecal Kenyan Alcoholic therefore joins in the rituals, pouring libations and burning incense. Later the ceremony turns to into ecstatic song and dance (as loud and contorted as they come) before climaxing in a trance. Later, much later, the worshipers leave the shrine in a mass of staggering, vomiting and cursing humanity.
Saturday, soccerholic: It is by far the world’s fastest growing religion. All cultures and old religions seem incapable of blocking its devastating goal shots in the faiths’ championships. While all other days are soccerholic days, Saturday is the religion’s Sabbath when worshippers meet in shrines to pray facing Europe.
Spiritual warfare
If Saturday is soccerholic’s Sabbath, beer is its rosary. And just like Catholics hold onto their beads during worship, soccerholics religiously cling to their bottles during an entire soccer match. The drink intervenes and lifts them to a higher spiritual level.
After worship, soccerholics engage in heated post-worship analyses. The rosary comes in handy even more here as one needs its power to fight the soccerholics’ spiritual warfare with members of the opposing sect.
Sunday, atheist: Saturday night worship at soccerholic’s shrines can be long, hectic and a strain on body and spirit. On Sunday, tipple-cal Kenyan opens one bloodshot eye at around 10am, decides that keeping the eye open for longer than a minute would be suicidal and quickly shuts it.
Prostate body
The next time the eye is opened is two hours later when the wife or concerned child (arriving from church) shakes the owner of the eye to check if there is any life left in the prostate body.
That is when tipplecal Kenyan drags himself out of bed, showers, takes a late breakfast-cum-early lunch and flees to be with fellow atheists at the local where they munch tray-fuls of nyama choma and guzzle cratefuls of beer without a care in the world.
