The day men and women love to hate

By Shirley Genga

Valentine’s is the day the world celebrates love. But beautiful and wonderful as it has been made to sound, the day is also a source of misery for many.

No day is more commercialised than Valentine’s Day. There is a lot of pressure on men to show their ‘love’ by taking part in a frenzy of buying roses, chocolates and lingerie.

The fact that everyone knows it is corporations with a lot to gain that zealously promote the day, does little to alleviate the pressure to pay homage to loved ones with gifts.

While we all believe in reciprocity and modernity, let’s not kid ourselves: V-Day has always been more about women than men.

Women don’t stop to think about the kind of pressure they pile upon their men. All they do is build castles in the air, forgetting that romance is expensive.

Not enough

Mark Kilonzo, a businessman, says the pressure is just too much. "My wife wants me to buy her gifts and set up the bedroom in a romantic manner. When it comes to gifts she expects me to somehow give her something that will not only surprise her, but will also be better than what her friends received from their partners. "Last year I bought her a rose and took her out to dinner but she felt it was not enough. She said a colleague’s husband had delivered a bouquet of roses to her at the office. According to her, that was more romantic because everyone had seen her receive the roses."

Mark, a university student, says ‘V-Day gives him so much pressure that he elects to ‘opt out’ every time. In the old days he would go out of his way to buy gifts during Valentine’s Day but the cost became too high.

"Every year during V-Day I make sure that I have no girlfriend. I always look for a reason to start a fight and then we break up. After V-Day I find a way to get back with her."

He adds: "It’s easier and cheaper to buy a ‘I’m sorry’ present than to buy a Valentine’s gift."

Men are however not the only ones who get headaches during Valentine’s Day; women too get their share.

These are desperate times for women who have no men in their lives and are forced create imaginary boyfriends so as not to appear lonely.

Biggest bouquet

With all the buzz Valentine’s Day manages to generate, it is almost a crime to be alone.

Since Valentine’s Day is basically a woman’s day, the expectations are high. The woman who gets the most romantic gestures is envied.

A woman who gets the most calls, receives the biggest bouquet of flowers and gets flown to a holiday resort is seen to be the most loved.

Such women will not hesitate to talk about their big Valentine’s plans or flaunt their gifts.

Last year Janet, an accountant, had just broken up with her boyfriend and she was alone for the first time in four years during Valentine’s Day. "Everyone at work was talking about it the day before and I felt so lonely and desperate that I bought myself a huge bouquet of red roses and had it delivered to me at work.

"I didn’t have a man but at least I walked around town with my bouquet of flowers. I even made a few colleagues at work very jealous."

partner’s gestures

Before that, Janet had considered desperate women who sent themselves flowers on Valentine’s Day. She now understood that desperation could make one sink low.

Rose, a banker who has been married for six years, says that it is not only single women who feel the need to create imaginary Valentine’s Day experiences.

"My husband is not the most romantic man in the world. The most I can expect from him is a card every Valentine’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the gesture but girls love a little romance.

"Because every woman is bragging the next day about what they did on Valentine’s with their husbands, one can feel compelled to exaggerate their partner’s gestures. So every year I come up with stories about what my ‘romantic husband’ did for me on Valentine’s. It’s all about self-esteem."

Apart from Valentine’s liars, there is a third group of people that this day of love creates. These are people who will hook up with anyone, from their exes to colleagues and even total strangers in the name of love.

Charity broke up with her boyfriend of three years in December 2008 but two days to Valentine’s, he called claiming to miss her.

"I took him back not because I wanted him, but because I didn’t want to be alone," she says adding: "Being without someone special on normal days is bad enough but being alone on Valentine’s is terrible.

office toilet

"I did not know how to break up with him later, so I just pretended all was well but I was relieved when he dumped me a month later claiming that it could not work.

"I guess he had also felt the pressure and did not want to be alone."

Onyango, a doctor, once hooked up with someone from his office he didn’t even like so as not be alone on Valentine’s.

"The woman had been chasing me for a while, and because she was like the office toilet, I constantly rejected her advances. On Valentine’s, however, I hooked up with her. Trying to dump her after that day turned out to be harder than I had imagined. Somehow she believed we belonged together."

A week before February 14, love is all over the airwaves. Red becomes the colour at the supermarkets as they try to sell you something for Valentine’s.

It seems the only people spared from this unnecessary pressure are children.

Valentine’s is never about all types of love. It is specifically about romantic love.

And it is a double-edged sword. For those who have someone to love, it’s a day to celebrate. For those who are alone, it’s time mourn. The same goes for those who are not alone but have partners who fail the romance test every year