Say, two people get to know each other romantically. Romantic dates here; gushing over long hours on phone calls there. Just when there is a possibility of a relationship, it all fizzles out. This is what an almost-relationship looks like.
Consultant psychologist James Bosse says that an 'almost relationship' is a connection in which potential lovers share emotional closeness, chemistry or mutual attraction but never make a mutual commitment to a romantic relationship.
Even though these relationships never become official, some of them tend to leave a long or a lasting impact because of the unanswered questions and unfulfilled possibilities.
James says that people tend to romanticise almost all relationships since they think more about what could have been than about what actually happened.
“The mind naturally fills in the gaps with idealised memories and imagined outcomes. It creates a version of the relationship that may never have existed. The fantasy of what was possible can become stronger than the reality of what actually occurred,” he says.
He observes that uncertainty is one of the reasons these connections feel emotionally intense. Without a definite beginning or ending, people continue to wonder “what if?” after the ending. He describes how this uncertainty activates the brain’s reward system, thus making the emotional experience feel powerful and difficult to forget.
People can be deeply attached to someone they never officially dated, he adds, due to attachment patterns formed early in life, which influence how people relate to others. During times of emotional vulnerability, people can form strong attachments based on infatuation or sympathy, and this leads to idealising someone they barely know.
He says it is common for people to fall in love with the possibility of a relationship instead of the person. The dream of what the relationship could have been feels more meaningful than the reality since the imagination fills in what is missing. In some instances, imagining a future together is more emotionally satisfying than accepting that the relationship never truly existed.
'Unfinished love stories tend to linger, for the human mind naturally seeks completion. When there is no clear ending, the brain searches for answers, and this makes the experience more memorable,” he says.
He adds, “If the relationship ended happily, people tend to give it a happy ending. If they ended sadly, people tend to give them a sad ending. Personal conclusions are made to make sense of what happened.”
James explains further that we tend to idealise people we never had the chance to fully know because with the little information we have, our minds can project desired qualities onto them that could be far from reality. Then we pursue what we still don’t know.
A lack of closure can make moving on difficult. Waiting indefinitely for answers fosters ambiguity and prolongs the healing process. While closure brings about an external explanation for internal acceptance, he says that it begins with self-acceptance of what happened.
“It is possible to grieve an almost-relationship. The pain is real, even where there was never an official relationship. Mourning the loss is important for healing,” he advises.
Hopeful imagination towards an almost-relationship can help people construct the joy or pain experienced. Since memory is limited, the mind blends facts with imagined possibilities, and this makes it difficult to separate what actually happened from what was hoped for. This further strengthens emotional attachment to the relationship.
He outlines that signs someone is holding on to the idea of a person instead of who they truly are include continually idealising them despite having limited knowledge of who they are. He advises people to ask themselves whether the emotional image they have created matches observable reality.
“Unresolved attachments can affect a person's ability to start new relationships. They may not be emotionally available, and this may make it harder to start a relationship with someone new,” he says.
He believes that almost all relationships are on the rise due to technology and social media, which have made it easier to form intimate relationships without defining where they are heading. Dating apps and digital communication have increased opportunities for undefined relationships.
Even so, almost all relationships can provide valuable lessons, such as revealing your values, boundaries, and emotional patterns that need to be addressed before going into healthier relationships.
“Reconnecting with an almost-relationship is worthwhile if both people are willing to communicate honestly and consistently. Usually, the offending partner will be the first to see reconnection. Personally, I think there is no value in getting back together,” he says.
Instead, he advises people to let go by cutting off unnecessary contact, accepting the lessons the experience has taught them and investing in their own lives. Setting healthy boundaries, remaining open to future relationships and redirecting emotional energy towards personal growth can support healing. Practices such as mindfulness, journalling, breathwork and therapy can also help challenge idealised beliefs and make room for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
