Hi Chris,
I love my husband, but he’s constantly on the phone with his mother, and somehow he seems to need to consult her over every decision in our home. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but nothing changes. What should I do?
MIL
Chris says,
Hi MIL!
Mothers-in-law cause a lot of problems in marriages, though in your case, it’s all your husband’s fault, of course. Both men and women are supposed to be completely independent of their parents before they marry, but clearly, your husband wasn’t. He’s still stuck in an adult-child relationship with his mother!
He’s also breaking one of the most fundamental rules in marriage: that the partners should put each other first in everything they do, even if one of them is clearly in the wrong! Especially ahead of their parents. Couples who break that rule inevitably cause a lot of heartache.
It’s also not surprising that talking to him hasn’t made any difference. That’s because your husband genuinely believes that what he’s doing is perfectly OK. It’s not, of course, because what he’s really doing is enjoying his mother’s attention, while she’s still enjoying ‘looking after him,’ just as if he were still a five-year-old! And so there’s no point in talking to your husband about his mother until he understands what he’s really doing. He just won’t get it.
But there is another way to make progress. Instead of trying to reason with him about his mother, stop showing even the slightest interest in his conversations with her. Be really friendly towards her, and whatever she says, act as if it’s not bothered you at all. But whenever your husband pays you any attention, no matter how small, be just a little nicer towards him.
All the best,
Chris
