Hi Chris,
I’ve just left a very bad relationship and can’t help thinking I should feel relieved. But instead I’m experiencing a whole host of emotions like anger, sadness, hurt and loneliness. What’s going on? Will it ever end?
Emotional
Chris says,
Hi Emotional!
All those emotions you’ve been experiencing are completely normal after a breakup, even when the relationship was unhappy. They’re generally most intense right after the split, especially if your relationship lasted a long time and you really tried to make it work.
They will gradually decrease as time passes, but can often catch you unexpectedly, right in the middle of what started as a good day. And that will still happen, occasionally, many years later. There’s not much you can do to prevent these feelings, but they should be mild, manageable and infrequent after two or three years. Though it’s possible to get stuck after a long relationship has ended, and in that case, talking things through with a professional will help a lot.
However intense and confusing your feelings are currently, the best way to move on from your old relationship is to build up your social life. That’s not quite the same thing as looking for a new relationship, but it’s a good way to start.
So look at everyone you meet socially or at work in a new light. Be genuinely interested in them, especially when meeting people for the first time. Ask lots of questions about their work, their interests and so on. Chances are you’ll have a lot of lively short conversations, because everyone loves being asked to talk about themselves. And you’ll gradually rediscover the joys of small talk.
Most of those chats will go no further. But a few of them will, because small talk’s really about figuring out whether someone new matches your interests, background and values. Even whether they’re available: ‘...and what does your husband do?’ When there’s a match, you’ll find yourself easily arranging to meet for coffee or whatever. And so with very little effort or risk, you’ll find yourself dating again!
All the best,
Chris
