By Smitta

Most folks, on a clear nite, are surrounded by a circle of stars in tha nite sky. Me, on a beery night, I’m surrounded by a circle of staggerin’ low-life local stars on a crowdid dance floor, like Crookid Q.

But contrar-ski to watt a dude d’tink, the circle is not always the same. There are different cats a show-biz kitten like mwah gets to party outta wit, and like tha past wkend, tha below were who we saw at different times of tha dayz-n-nights.

The Thamba Ngwenze

What is the ‘Thamba Ngwenze?’ I’ve heard folkskis like Ken wa Malia say, as they sit on crates of pili and Kao chiles shake their grass-coated tushis in a pub in Mulo-longo. The ‘Thamba Ngwenze’ is stars on one of our road trips; to near places like Naiv or Masaku, or far-a-way joints like El Dee n Kisumu.

So of course the ‘Thamba Ngwenze’ road trips must normally start with Ash n his harsh Limos-R-Us, spun by the likes of Kingi, Kill Bill (who lost six teeth in a recent accident) and Tuxedo Odhis. Jamaas with floss wheels R-also-welcome:-like Lord Sonko with his Range, n Abaramach wit his Beamer, which afta some Jim Beam whisky at Mobil, sunset, lazz Furahiday, he sed is a "powerfool German machine that will do Nai-Kisum (sic) in three hours flat.

The Smitts backed out. Life’s till too sweet to be taken out like a mangy cat on road-kill! Then there are our buddies like Arthur K of MTV who are the fun-nest crows on the road; n also Real Solo of STV who when he ain’t makin’ love, is makin’ war. Groupiez like Mijelin Indeche, as well as entourage like Evanescence. O of KIMC always complete the motion picha.

Then there is the hard core of the Thamba Ngwenze – Pulse editor CEO, the king of pups Stevenz Muendo, the bird-we-left-bahind Tilda Nzioki, me, n whoever from our crew is on tripski mode.

Celebz

Celebz are the break-n-butter of a chow-biz cat’s life, so you just gotta live with ‘em … whether u love ‘em or you don’t. And there are A, B n C types of starz to hang out wid.

Most guyz tink me jobbo is to "hate" on celebz, but nuttin’ is farther from da truth. A cat like me’s got a lotta other shizzle to dwang on, so tha last ting I tink is playa poppin on stars. But if I is on the ‘Scene’ they’re ‘At,’ then I gotta tell tings as I show it.

C-Celebz —These are the ‘Come-back’ celebz we find on the Scene, jamaas or chapettes. A classic ‘C’ celeb is a dude like Circute, who had disappeared for a bit into the meat market, but has since re-appeared on the music circuit. Joel his kuzo, meanwhile, short-circuited himself into anonymity.

C-celebz can also be the ones who are just in there, if y’know watt I mean?

B-Celebz

B here is for ‘BE’ there, yaani those celebz who have always been there without becoming BIG or small, yaani tumewazoea kukuwa ma-star. Hawa blow, hawa shuki, they are as constant as the ratto-ring mister Michuki.

Bila chuki, B celebz are stars like our boy, Pilipili, who was one-a the stars to super jam that very cool campo, Maseno. Wonder if UoN pageant 2day will rock the kabuz-nit.

A-List Celebz

The usual suspects, chief among them being the King of Bling, Action ‘Prezzo’ Jackson. Furahiday aftie, at the Westie Oilibya (ex-Mobil), Prezzo is sandwiched in some blinged-up big whip between his ma-first body … his loyal Sam-O-spinnin.’ And he’s semi-causin’ 4 ‘CEO’ ati "See you in the next lifetime … kwa sababu mlinikosea!" Heh heh, I wondered, was that when we sed he checked into USIU on O.D. or waaarr? Ok. Pole, bro! You was just exhausted from studio, so I hope we’re even ste-ven? Lakini these Prezzos are startin’ to talk scary, like vampskis. When its not tha small one sayin’ "see ya in tha nxt life," tis the big one barking "…or wherever else you’ll see me!!" Sheesh, rizzos, si u give Gs a break …

Lit Krowd…

I also got me artsy circle of pals, with whom we drink cheap wine n vibe litski lite wit — like my man Hugo, Sam of Slum — TV and the great n fun direktor of tha Goethe institute, Johannes. Hopefully, by jana, I delivered his Der Schirm (not the scum) magskis to him?

Harsita Waters of FCCC s’well as Barbs @ Goethe fall in me art buddy category, as well as my very good pal based in Kisii, Godfrey ‘Marto’ Oduor. And then there are the Kwanites, n although I know artistes are the Caananites of celebz, lez juzz do this n git it over wit.

Mike of Kwani 4 all ye artsy types is cool, but as a groupie of Parsa’s ‘oh-four storo ‘Comrade Lemma,’ I consider him a riting star. On blog, there’s Al Kags, recently declared an ‘eligible bachelor’ and how about the mama called Rasna Warah, who edited the ‘Missionaries, Misfits n Mercenaries’ series?

Across from UG (TZ-edians ‘ingo’ is so bad they just never make the riting cub, unless its on fishy books like Ujanja wa Ndugu Sungura), my latest hard arguin’ trio circle is the Kaiser, story-moja’s Doreen Baingana and Caine winner Monica arac de Nyeko, who look like Alek Wek on Intellect.

N talkin’ Story-Moja, the tsarina of publishin’ stars is the one n only lady Mutho Garland. N even as I hand garlands out to the likes of Kingwa Kamenchu n glory to Philo I, who went to fight for her shoe(s) at Centro after a protest-o, there’s good pal John Mwazemba o’ Macmillan.

Dude, when are we doan our lunches, n hunches, at tha Hotel Boulevard?

Fellow Paps

Of course, the way dawgs run in packs … so does the paparazzi!

N altho’ celebz thinks we is all sharkaprazzis, the truth is … we is, heh heh. But summ are more of ratarazzi than paps, like one ‘entertainment’ (in quotes the way me pal Clay putsin) writer whose initials are 4 TuBerclosis in Kenya (TBK, like FCUK) who basically is a con-man-dos.

Then others, like Jamie Murua, are juzz me old pals-gone blog-dog gone done no wrong! Watta-dong? Others, like Chiquitta Chiquitten, simply remind me who I’d a been … had been born an XX instead-a a guy.

The thing ta remember when ya’r a papski is that we are not part-a Celebville. The Sun is a star, so are folksis like Jua Kali. Any ‘starville’ dat comes our way in this jobbo is simply reflected light … so we ain’t stars, we are MOONS. It’s simple Smysics! If ya lucky, you become a full moon, and folks admire ya as ya shine at nite. If ya an A-hole, you are like a quarter moon, three quarters dark, wit crates all over ya face. N how do you lose lustre? By focussin’ on bringin’ down tha real stars one-by-one, instead o’ keepin’ the ‘hatin’ even by spreadin’ it all around, te te.

Newbies

Nuthin’ gives a tick more pleasure than to see a new bunch of cows on tha grazin’ field. Nuthin’ gives mwah more ‘esh’ than to see new stars risin’ on tha celebrity scene. Coz they’s future grist for da mill, future cannon fodder. Here, allow me a deviation –— in Naija, I told a bruda "Don’t be fodder for my writing mortar," and the dude replied: "But I don even know yo modda (mother), so how can I be her fodda?"

Anywayz, my newbie song is that one called "POA" I’ve re-discovered the talent of Tapalei, but the most rele song is that one featuring Alaholla called ‘OCHA’ in diss brutal times - so Eve d’ Suzuki, si you style it up n give it a radio home-run? Tuonane wapi? Ocha!

And while, lately, Toxic is been tryin’ to convince dat she ain’t no hussy, or a gal after hubby, but a Nai Vice type professional dancer… (omoiseke oyoo, dial dat numba), itz former Miss Moi Aggy Akinyi Otieno I tip for future pageantry.

N talkin’ Ocha, CEO shewed up from Othumski with a dubious CD where some ohangala musician screamin’ "Simita" in tha middle o’ his weird lyrics. Now, why do I get-tha feelin’ dat de dodgy Mike Owuor of ‘Crazy Man-day’ is ba-hind this?