Bridging emotional distance

The world was shocked when former US Vice-President Al Gore and his wife Tipper announced their divorce after 40 years of marriage. The reason? They grew apart. What exactly is growing apart? NJOKI CHEGE explores.

Relationship experts and marital counsellors agree that growing apart, which takes years to process, is among the many reasons that end marriages today.

There are several definitions of growing apart, with the most common being an experience or scenario of emotional distance where couples tend to turn away from each other instead of turning to each other when they need each other the most.

Several factors contribute to this emotional distance, including criticism, lack of appreciation and taking each other for granted.

As Dr Gidraph Wairire, a Sociology lecturer at the University of Nairobi, notes, growing apart has a lot to do with taking each other for granted and being casual about each other.

“It is an experience or a scenario where the couple begins to take things for granted. There is a lot of casualness between them, and they no longer value each other. This, coupled with many other things, gradually brings in some level of discontentment in that relationship,” says Dr Wairire.

In essence, every relationship bases its foundation on trust, honesty, integrity, commitment and self-sacrifice. These values are not acquired in an instant, as the couple nurtures them over the years, forming a deep and lasting relationship or marriage.  The moment the couple fails to nurture these values, they begin to grow apart, and before they know it, their marriage is falling apart.

Dr Linda Mintle, a US based family and marriage therapist and author of the book I Married You, Not Your Family, says that the progression of growing apart begins with criticism.

Says she: “Criticism leads to feelings of contempt. Those feelings raise defensiveness. Defensiveness is a self-preservation response to relationship problems. It blocks intimacy and is usually motivated by fear and insecurity when you feel attacked. When your spouse is overly critical or on the attack, it is easy to become defensive.”

Cheering

But the danger lies in staying defensive, notes Dr Mintle, as it breeds contempt and stonewalling, where one couple creates an emotional ‘wall’ shutting the other partner out.

An ideal marriage or relationship fosters personal growth and advancement for both couples either physically, emotionally, spiritually or economically.

Ideally, couples should grow together, cheer each other in their achievements and support each other all through.

But what happens when one party grows faster and further than the other?

Marriages are known to fall apart after one of the party’s promotion, education advancement and sometimes fame or popularity.

But as Dr Wairire points out, this is not the cause of growing apart, but a couple’s attitude and reaction towards that advancement.

“If one person is not prepared for self-development and if they are not ready to grow together, then they don’t share the same ideals and this will lead to a rift between them,” says Wairire.

If the ‘C’ word in your marriage is competition as opposed to complementing, then your marriage is headed south.

Competition, Wairire advises, disintegrates a relationship. Couples begin to grow apart the moment one party views the other’s career progression as non-beneficial.

Likewise, the level of education is not a contributing factor to couples growing apart, rather it is the attitude towards that advancement.

Preventing it

Couples must be prepared for growth and change, and form mechanisms to adapt to changes.

“See the value in the other person. Change your attitude towards their advancement and view it as beneficial rather than destructive,” says Wairire.

Achievements should be viewed as ‘our’ success not ‘his’ or ‘her’ success.

Don’t let your marriage get into this situation, as reconnection becomes difficult. While most marriages break in the event of growing apart, some couples may choose to reconcile.

If taking the reconciliation path, adopt the virtue of humility. Humility encompasses self-sacrifice, which many people don’t have. It requires you to apologise and do more than that — be humble and bring yourself down to that other party’s level. Apologising is not everything; it is only the first step to a long journey of reconciliation.

“If there is no humility then the reconciliation process is a tall order,” says Wairire.