I want to settle, but I get men who are not ready. Please help
By Winfrey Owino - May 8th 2022
Our social lives and relationships are faced with a number of challenges; especially when a major decision is supposed to be made.
On Wednesday, November 17, we published, on our Facebook page – Standard Digital – a relationship dilemma by a woman who met a new man, whom she feels more comfortable with, a month after her engagement.
I’m in my early 30s, and, frankly, I’m looking for a husband.
No more casual relationships for me, I want to settle down!
But somehow I always seem to end up dating men who don’t want to get married.
What Kenyans think
Kenyans who came across last week’s relationship Dilemma on our official Facebook page had the following opinions.
Kevin Muchika: The wall is truly unforgiving. Feminism lied to women that they're equal to men and can do anything they want in their prime and still expect to have the same benefits as men when they grow older. Here's the fact, women age like milk while men age like wine. A 30-year-old is a retired war veteran seeking pension and retirement benefits from a white knight. At this point, they rebrand themselves by going to church and claiming that Jesus has redeemed their dirty past and is going to give them the perfect man to live happily ever after. Woe unto the man who cuffs such a low hanging fruit.
Eddy Oloo Uduny: 30 is actually a mature age. The same people castigating you will tomorrow tell us; that God’s time is the best. Some of these men even go and marry older women abroad in the name of; Love Wins! Don't argue with me am not your age mate
Kithinji Muthomi: You wasted your prime time in casual relationships. You are paying the cost. Pray that you will get a simp [sic] who doesn't have the guts to approach women in their prime time (18-24 years).
Gabriel Omondi: Done and dusted, someone looking for a retirement plan, men beware of such 'new' available characters.
Abdul Jabar: What criteria do you use to determine that you are "wife material"?! You had set your bar too high, just swallow your pride and settle for any standard. The problem is "you are drinking milk, why would your rare cattle!?"
Moses Shockers: Early 30’s you mean 35 after a casual relationship who wants a woman at that age with no child shows many trees were planted and never yielded any fruits. This is a risk a man is not willing to take.
Tomtom Kiluu: You are on the right track. This is the stage every girl should reach. Am sure you will make a good wife. That feeling of " I really want a husband and a serious one" makes you the best candidate. Not like these 23,24 years girls flirting with every boy they meet.
Winnie Otobi: TRY THIS
- NESTING- Determine the type of man you want, frequent that place and someone will spot you.
- GLOW- Stay beautiful even at night maybe your husband is a thief.
- DRESS TO IMPRESS- Put on nice outfits, not too revealing and not too long, some nice gentleman might get attracted to you.
- LOOK NATURAL- Don’t stay on too much make-up every time you come outside your house, just a simple one
- EAT HEALTHY- Keep your body fit, when on a date, order food (mokimo, ugali, greens, omena, village chicken etc) take junks only when it’s the only option, a reasonable man, will be excited to have you know that his kids won’t be fed on junks only.
- RELOCATE - Get a new place where fewer people know about your past
I tried this and it worked, today am 50yrs and I got married at 38yr
Andrew Lokeya: Long time ago, we men use to hit and run away, nowadays we hit and hit until you yourself run away
Daniel Muhunyo: Men nowadays after consolidating their frame no longer beg, when ladies insist they don't want to be bothered ...a few right-minded men quit completely ...let's continue with that spirit, being rare is a gem
Dr Karatu Kiemo is a sociologist and lecturer at the University of Nairobi.
Getting a marriage partner is not only a function of individual decisions but also of factors that are beyond your control.
So despite your wish to settle down, there are social forces that must align to provide you with the opportunity.
The key issue is the predominance of females compared to males in the population, which is responsible for there being fewer males to pair up with females, an issue referred to as marriage squeeze.
As a result of the inadequacy of males to pair with, many females of marriage age delay marriage and occupy themselves in pursuit of higher education and career, while others opt for single parenthood or casual relationships with older and sometimes married men.
A few years ago some political and religious commentators suggested the solution was for men to marry more than one woman, which is not likely to most women - educated or not - in Kenya today.
Meanwhile, the men, spoilt for choices, tend to take relationships casually which leads to weak commitments in unmarried and married relationships.
The outcome is much difficulty in pairing the liberal educated young woman with a carefree young man and results in ease of divorce and separation, a refuge in drugs and alcohol, and parental and societal minimal expectations of stable marriages for the younger generations.
To a large extent then, the reason why you are not married owes not to anything you have done or failed to do but purely to the mismatch in the men/women numbers. It is not a problem unique to Kenya but is universal today.
Just look at what is happening in the western world and be sure it is happening here. So what can you do? Nothing.
You are OK. It's the world that is not OK.
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