Is happiness real, or just an illusion?

By James Gitau

When I was growing up in Nairobi’s Pumwani area, my parents struggled to put food on the table, pay rent, and keep seven children in school.

My late mother fed her family using meagre proceeds from all manners of small businesses, mainly selling vegetables. She never despaired despite working under difficult circumstances and being broke for the better part of her life. In contemporary terminology, she would have fitted the title of a ‘master hustler’.

My father was a civil servant who earned a salary that he could not write home about. I got to see his payslips after he had passed on, and wondered how he managed to keep us in school.

Rich and happy

One of his strengths was painting the picture that money was never a problem. I guess the problem was the money not being in his bank account at the right time, as his cheques had a habit of bouncing. Our financial circumstances did not amplify our happiness. In fact, asking for anything that required spending money caused immediate tension.

My young mind told me that I could be rich and happy if I worked extremely hard. I dreamt of living on the other side of town — far away from Pumwani. In my mind’s eye, I saw the neighbourhood and the girl I would marry.

Let me make a confession: I had feelings for a girl who lived across the street and thought she was the cutest thing God ever created. I imagined when I became rich, we would get married and live together happily forever.

Well I never gathered enough courage to tell her how I felt, so I did not marry her. As for the money, I set a target date by when I would be a millionaire, despite not having even Sh20 to call my own.

At a fairly young age, I had gone far beyond my wildest dreams as far is wealth was concerned. However, my goal of being happy seemed elusive. I had the toys that the small boy in me had craved, but they did not give me the inner joy I had imagined would be guaranteed by riches.

No amount of material things or pleasure from stimulants will make you truly happy. You can also confirm this by looking at the lives of many celebrities, who, despite having more money than they can ever spend, fame, screaming fans and God knows what else, are miserable.

I think babies can teach us a lot of lessons on happiness. Babies are happy for no reason. They smile when they burp or release some gas. As long as their biological needs are met, life is blissful.

As the child grows older, the adults in their life give them things that are supposed to make them happier. We give them more things if they behave well, which may be interpreted by the young mind as ‘receiving goodies means being loved’.

Keeping up

So when little Alice shows off her new toy to her friend, John, he goes green with envy. He runs home, demanding that he, too, needs to be loved by his parents. In other words, “If you really love me, give me a bigger toy than that of Alice.”

John’s parents, want to prove their love, too, so they buy him a bigger toy. The boy experiences pleasure for a short time before getting bored, or seeing another toy he thinks will make him happier. The race for having more to make him happy has kicked off in earnest, and you will see him in the toy section of the supermarket, throwing tantrums, as he demands happiness. As he grows older, he will keep looking for more toys to make him happy; material possessions or even human beings.

Alice, who is now married to John, will be unhappy if John does not bring her goodies on their anniversary. John will be working harder and harder, sometimes cutting a few corners, to keep Alice happy.

Next week, we will discuss how you can increase your happiness no matter your circumstances.

The writer is the Founder of Peak Performance International. Email your comments to: lifecoach@peakperformance-int.com