Last Friday evening, news media came to a near standstill as the sad news of the death of Nigerian Gospel Artist Osinachi Nwachukwu, who sang the 2017 gospel hit song Ekwueme, began to circulate.
At first, there were rumours about the cause of her death, with Tweets and Facebook posts alleging that she had been admitted to hospital with throat cancer, and that she finally succumbed to the disease.
That was until her fellow artiste, Frank Edwards, posted a Tweet shifting the blame to Osinachi’s husband, Peter Nwachukwu.
Edwards wrote, “So that unreasonable human being finally put off a shining light. I won’t say much now, I’ll let the former Nddc director (AUNTY Joy) who did everything possible to stop this from happening talk 1st, but it still happened. We tried to stop this.”
Edwards was referring to years of domestic abuse which his friend Osinachi had endured at the hands of her husband, who is currently in the custody of police.
As fans across the continent celebrate Osinachi’s life and talent that touched them spiritually, family and friends continue to share glimpses into her married life that was masked with secrecy.
Speculation is still rife on the circumstances leading to her death, but the sad event has raised a barrage of questions and concerns over the impact religion has on the outcome of abusive and broken down marriages among its congregants.
Especially for Christians and the clergy in Kenya, the question on how they tackle abusive relationships continues to be a thorny issue.
For better or for worse
Each day couples say the vows that bind them in holy matrimony, “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part.”
Unfortunately for some marriages, abuse - financial, emotional, and physical - is often followed by a reminder to stay patient. A common piece of advice for Kenyan women struggling in their marriages is to ‘watch War Room’, a popular American movie directed by Alex Kendrick, which depicts a young family in crisis, with the woman enduring untold domestic abuse to keep the family together.
In the movie, the woman prays fervently in a closet, Bible in hand, for her husband to change his crooked ways. Her hope through this difficult time is that, “In order to stand up and fight the enemy, you need to get on your knees and pray.”
But how does a woman know where to draw the line? Is it possible to tell that an abusive spouse, despite their religious beliefs, has gone too far? How does one tell that the prayers are enough and it is now time to leave the marriage to save their life?
Family and marriage therapist Mary Gacheru says that clergy should steer clear of giving marriage advice to couples in troubled marriages as they are not professionally qualified to handle such issues.
Gacheru says the church often condemned divorce when domestic violence was minimal in marriages. However, with modern stresses of economic hardships, social media, and technology, things have changed.
“The society will blame the partner opting for divorce without considering the cause. Often, there is judgement that you are impatient, and unable to nurture marriage. Add to that the scripture that says ‘God hates divorce’, many people remain trapped in those unions with devastating consequences,” says Gacheru.
“So many women and some men in abusive marriages will remain because they believe as long as they keep quiet and nobody knows, they will resolve the problem, but unfortunately this just breeds a cycle of abuse,” she adds.
With many women financially stable enough to keep up appearances, they end up wearing psychological masks where they hide the torment they are undergoing behind their role in the church, or a happy façade of comfort.
“Women develop the Battered Woman Syndrome where the woman has very low self-esteem and believes she cannot survive outside the union,” she explains.
Gacheru notes that when couples separate, and then reconcile, it creates low self-esteem in the victim and the abuser picks up the pattern which further enables the abuse.
Held hostage by vows
Bishop William Githinji of Victors Chapel Karatina says marriage vows were crafted by the church, but are not rooted in the Bible.
The Bishop insists that newlyweds should know the correct interpretation of the vows they take during the ceremony and not be held hostage to die for each other.
“Some of these vows have been misleading couples for centuries. When we officiate these ceremonies we must remind the couple that God abhors violence and we must encourage and give them the right advice,” Bishop Githinji says.
He notes that God did not intend for marriage to be a prison that traps women or men in a cycle of abuse and torture. Bishop Githinji recalls an incident where he officiated the wedding of a young couple who were members of his church and a few years later, he was devastated to officiate the funeral of one of them.
“They were a young couple, the man was a policeman and unfortunately, one day he killed his wife and committed suicide, and I was requested to officiate the wife’s funeral, they were only married for a few years,” he says.
“We must find a way to encourage the conversation that none of the spouses deserves to die for the other, and people in the church should not make either of them feel ashamed about it,” he adds.
The Bishop explains that marriage was supposed to be an institution of love and harmony but if two people cannot walk together in these virtues, they should leave each other.
“No pastor or bishop wants to bury a couple just because society stigmatises divorce without looking at the circumstances that lead to this situation,” he warns.
He admits that society treats men differently than women when they opt for divorce as they are considered a failure, but this is a misconception that can only be addressed by Christians and church elders.
“Leaving an abusive marriage does not make you a failure, it just means that you didn’t have the right partner to begin with,” the bishop says.
The social pressure within the church is immense, especially for people who hold ranks within the leadership, a factor that Bishop Githinji observes pushes couples to keep up appearances.
“We must encourage people within the church to know the difference between their personal life and their church responsibilities, and how to balance the expectations of society, regardless of the status you hold,” he says.
Currently, when faced with a couple in need of counselling, he advises separation.
And if things are not working, they are free to move on from the relationship with his blessings.
Kenyan Gospel musician Emmy Kosgei believes the only solution to domestic violence is to run. In a social media post reacting to the death of Osinachi, Emmy said people perish for lack of knowledge.
“God will look at you fulfilling the scripture of, “my people perish because of lack of knowledge”. Borrow sense while you are still breathing. Empower yourself so you don’t become a slave to poverty...” wrote the singer.
Meanwhile, Foursquare Gospel Church Bishop, Erastus Njoroge, says the church is unfairly blamed when a couple remains in the union but notes the leaders can only recommend for separation but cannot call for divorce because that is the mandate of the court.
“If I find that the couple cannot reconcile or one of them is in danger, I will recommend they separate that is the only power I have, it is up to the courts to grant divorce,” he observes.
Does the Church have all the answers?
Sociologist Dr Anthony Odek notes that symbolically, the priesthood or leadership in the church were considered to have all the solutions to society’s problems.
Therefore when they face their own challenges in their personal lives, society does not treat them kindly.
“Many of these people have some kind of celebrity status within the church and have a hard time asking for helping or seeking support when they come across life issues in their personal lives,” Dr Odek says.
He notes that people believe that their church leaders have perfect family lives, yet they are only seeing the fruits of a lot of work to face and address challenges within their unions.
Dr Odek says individuals with responsibilities in the church need to have institutions that are safe spaces to help them to unburden their personal issues free of judgement and pressure.
“They are human beings too and they experience stress, emotional, and psychological burnout taking care of their congregants and listening to other people’s problems,” he notes.
In such cases, there should be time and structure to the duties of the church leaders so they can have time solve their own problems, and avoid burnout which may lead them to lash out on their families.
He says there should be structures to debrief them and manage the dilemma of balancing their public and their personal lives.
