Signs of a troubled marriage

While marriages have their down moments, some of these can be tell-tale signs of a union headed for a crash. NANCY NJAGI-MBITHI shares on what to look out for

Every marriage has its challenges. You may discover that one month your relationship is fun — riding on a wave of warmth, love and intimacy — and the next month, coldness creeps in.

Is this normal too? Is it a signal that your love life is crashing or are these just cycles of love?

Let me share some proven common signs that can give you hints as to whether your marriage is headed for disaster.

Living in silence

Do you and your spouse sleep under the same roof, attend social engagements together and perform routine errands together yet the two of you rarely engage in meaningful nurturing conversations?

Your marriage may also become routine that your spouse is no longer sharing their career, personal problems and personal achievements with you. You are always the last to know, often getting the information second hand. When the silence is too loud, your marriage is suffering.

Diagnosis: Huge breakdown in communication.

Intimacy is a thing of the past

There is a natural waxing and fading of passion that occurs in every relationship due to stress, fatigue or other pressure. While these pressures can creep between the sheets, there is no place for anger or disunity. A considerable decline in physical affection is one of the most recognised symptoms of a failing relationship. Intimacy is the act that allows a husband and wife to bond. When you find yourself not at all moved by your spouse’s sexual advances, it’s time to pay attention.

Depression

This is a common sign of a troubled relationship. Depression can be avoided by one being honest with him/herself and the state of his or her love life.

Spending less time together

You are happy when your spouse is away for an afternoon, the day or even the weekend. You look forward to him/her not coming home and are almost quick to say, "good riddance".

You are always looking for opportunities to be away from your spouse and looking for distractions. You spend less and less time together and the little time is full of arguments over the same issues.

You experience a void in your life and intimacy is difficult – you do not want your spouse to even touch you.

This is a huge troubled marriage sign and your marriage could be in ICU if not urgently addressed.

Dependency culture

This culture is speedily creeping in mainly among middle-aged women perhaps because of their experiences with cheating husbands.

Wives want to keep all their income to themselves and depend entirely on their husbands to meet all their needs and those of the family.

When you are too dependent – not only around money issues, you also are the one receiving all the time – then the partnership is not working because only one person is keeping it alive.

A natural resentment brews; one person feels burdened, unappreciated and undervalued. The needy one feels disappointed and frightened by their neediness especially when what they are asking for is not forth coming.

There are several more signs such as bickering, physical abuse, avoidance of issues, infidelity and manipulating family members, among others.

These signs are marital issues that you can be addressing instead of letting them grow out of proportion. Speak to a counsellor, speak to your confidant, and enjoy your marriage.