Why I’m praying Jimmi doesn’t become ‘baba nani’

By Joseph Maina

Lately, the comptroller and I have observed a curious change in Jimmy’s habits, particularly grooming. For starters, he has been showering quite often, dresses very carefully and has even been brushing his teeth regular ly, which is quite unlike him during school holidays.

Not only that, he takes more time to prepare for simple outings – such as a trip to the kiosk – than it would take our Government to plan a geothermal plant. Naturally, the comptroller and I were curious at first, but the boy remained stubbornly economical with the details.

Happily, it didn’t take long before we learned that his sudden makeover had something to do with members of the opposition sex. With the teachers’ strike raging on, the prolonged hiatus has proven to be a blessing in disguise to boys in my part of the county.

Bumper harvest
Thanks to the strike, these neighbourhood boys have been celebrating a bumper harvest in the form of young teenage lasses, most of who came to visit their city relatives. Well, my mboys have not been left behind in this gold rush.

“Daddy, Jimmy wameshinda hapa na Mwende,” little Tiffany reported on Tuesday evening. Looking visibly embarrassed, Jimmy quickly pointed his snout towards the TV and acted like he hadn’t heard a thing. So what had the duo been doing in the house all day, I asked?

“Ah, tulikuwa tukibonga tu,” he snapped back, and I could almost hear the hinges of his jaw as he described the girl. As Jimmy would later explain, the girl is a student in one of the national schools, and she was here on a visit to her aunt.

“Halafu tukarevise kazi ya chuo,” he enthused amid a mild, pretentious cough. Of course, all that nyef nyef about schoolwork sounded ridiculous, considering that Jimmy treats his books like holy items that should not be touched.

I wish I knew the subject of their discussion, but as usual, my brain is quite tidy on Jimmy’s private matters. Trust me, living with my mboys has taught me enough lessons to survive guerrilla warfare.

“So she was helping you with studies, huh?” I asked, to which Jimmy nodded his pumpkin and replied in the affirmative. Then on the very next evening, our domestic Casanova was standing at the gate in his fancy hip-hop wear and chatting up yet another unidentified girl.

“Huyo naye anaitwa Vanessa,” Maggy revealed when I asked later on. The comptroller was still at work and could not be reached for comment.

“Amekuja kutembea kwa Mama Jackie,” Maggy relayed, adding that she was a niece to our neighbour Mama Jackie, who lives three gates away. Phew! I must admit the girl almost made me roll over on my back with all paws in the air.

I really hate to say this because I’m a parent and happily married man, but this particular girl almost made me wish I were in Jimmy’s shoes. She was a dreamscape of wonder and creative beauty.

Well, Jimmy’s forays did not end there. The very next day, I found him fraternising with yet another girl who looked hotter than an aluminium foil on a hot barbeque grill. Being the nosy father that I am, I ground my prehistoric Starlet to a halt and tried to make out the girl, who was seemingly unaware of her stunning hourglass frame.

“Huyo anaitwa Mercy,” Maggy piped after we prodded her later that evening. Then on Thursday evening, the comptroller and I arrived home to the sight of a young guest in the house. Jimmy quickly introduced the material guest, who could not have been more than three General Election old, as Mwende.

True to my expectations, Mwende boasted a face that would be hazardous to men driving vehicles, particularly any man driving a Probox full of cabbages or some other fresh farm produce. No wonder my son has been so diligent in his chase.

But as it was getting late, the young beauty queen bid us farewell and sashayed out of the room, accompanied by an admiring stare whose source I shall not reveal here. Jimmy promptly followed her out, eager to parade her to his buddies around the estate.

At least, Mama Jimmy and I were ok with Jimmy’s choice of girlfriend. Not only was the girl endowed with drop-dead good looks, but she also boasts a brain sharper than a mother-in-law’s tongue.

Feeling tired, I dumped myself next to my Associate Couch Potato, Tyson the cat as I tried to analyse this maze of affairs. For now, I can only cross my fingers and hope that Jimmy will not turn me a premature grandpa.