BY HAMZA BABU

KENYA: There is only one way to make a wife with feminist tendencies toe the line; get her a co-wife to walk right across her head.

Wahenga na wahenguzi (our sagacious ancestors) have prescribed this as the surest way to revert a woman back to her primal feminine instincts. The sages insist there is no other way to redeem her from the feminists they have evolved to become.

One of the patrons of Kahawa Tungu who took this advice literally is Bwana Makka.

When Kimwana, Bwana Makka’s wife, became too much for him to handle, his people made him marry another woman, for as they put it, “Kimwana has never really ‘belonged’.” So the guy married an air-headed bimbo and, in a way, it worked for him. The first wife trained her guns on the new threat, and for the time being, left Bwana Makka in peace.

He usually entertains us with tales of the battle that is his household every time he drops by for a drink.

“Basi jamaa (guys), my new wife is as vicious as the old witch. It’s amazing,” he was telling eager listeners. I, at once, hurried to place the latest orders at Kahawa Tungu so that I, too, could enjoy the tale.

“Don’t tell us she has also found the way to Babu (witchdoctor)?” chimes in a diehard enthusiast of Bwana Makka domestic wrangles.

“Those women take all my money to the local witchdoctor trying to ‘magic’ and bewitch each other’s existence away,” he answered. “But they have opened up a completely new battlefront that even I didn’t know existed,” he continued.

Authority

At that, a few among the audience almost chocked on their Kahawa tungu. We considered this guy the authority on domestic divide-and-rule.

With him admitting that there might be an aspect of feminine wile and guile he has not encountered, things were not going to end well. “Has any of them started fraternising with wazungu tourists?” asks Amigo, the simple guy who is always slow on the uptake.

“No way you nincompoop.

They are using pets to antagonise each other!” he announced with the calmness of a professor introducing a new topic to his bewildered class.

“Ati pets?” all guys at Kahawa Tungu simultaneously gasped. Bwana Makka took his time to drown another cup before continuing with his tale. At that time, business had literally ground to a halt; the world had stopped spinning as we all awaited to hear the solution to this unheard of mystery.

After a deliberately lengthened agonising moment, he started his narration. “Kimwana has a pet cat she has christened ‘Hapakaliki’ (hostile territory) while my new wife got herself a cock and called it ‘Patakalika’ (we have to endure).

Trading barbs

So it turned out that the two women do nothing the whole day other than feed their pets while talking to them while in essence, they are trading barbs.

“As the referee, what do you have to say,” someone was curious to find out. “No foul as yet! Let play continue,” he declared.

Enough for one evening, “Closing time!” I yell trying to remember what my wife calls our cat.