The family of former Prime Minister Raila Odinga and the Odingas in general exhibited unity and civility throughout the funeral period. The family members carried themselves in decorum and fortitude.
Despite their place as a prominent political family, the chaos of politics remains in the political arena. They don’t carry politics home. The late Fidel Odinga once said on a local FM station that his grandfather instructed them not to bring his name into disrepute. Jaramogi is proud wherever he is.
A few weeks ago, two funerals happened in Kisumu County with more drama than mourning. In one of them, the daughter of the departed lady, in her tribute, tore at her relatives with a sharp tongue. That none of her relatives should lie that they supported her mother when she was sick. In what appeared like a long-held grudge, she said how they struggled to take care of their mother without help from close relatives.
The second one was a student leader at a technical training institute in Kisumu. His colleagues went to support him in sending off his mother and turned the funeral into a lecture on threats. The family was ordered to take back the sons of the departed and give them land. They were pushed to the wall of shame, but they could not respond to a charged group of students.
Then came the funeral of Raila Odinga. The Odinga family is big. Jaramogi had three wives, and a fourth one is a widow he inherited, though they didn’t have a child. Raila is the secondborn of his first wife, Mary. The public knows the children of the first wife. A lot remains unsaid of the children of the other two wives. Some members of the Odinga family were seen in public for the first time during the burial.
The second and third wives of Jaramogi are still alive. The second wife happens to be Raila’s cousin. In the Luo culture, a wife was allowed to bring her niece to be her co-wife. Yet, we have never heard of them since they may have their misgivings about their place in the family.
The only time their dirty linen found its way into the public laundry was in the 2013 elections. Isaac Omondi Odinga, Raila’s stepbrother, broke ranks and backed Uhuru Kenyatta against his brother. Since then, little has been heard of the Kisumu-based Odinga.
During Raila’s funeral, you could see the family members deferring to Mama Ida Odinga and Siaya Senator, Oburu Odinga. Unlike most prominent families, no side shows emerge,d and I know it is not because the family is as clean as cotton. I stole Raila’s quip.
A big pot must carry some heavy soot. But that doesn’t give disgruntled members of the family a license to smear it on other members. Funerals always give people the opportunity to settle scores they should have been wise enough to settle before the funeral.
If you couple it up with the raw emotions of losing a loved one, then the venom can be spewed well beyond its original magnitude. When you see such stunts at a funeral, it is evident that the family is dysfunctional. Such dysfunctions are never events but buildups of unresolved conflicts. When the dam of emotions is not checked, then its collapse is a matter of when, not if.
The saddest part of it is throwing the details of the conflict at mourners who have nothing to do with it. They will carry it away with them as gossip and fodder for social media posts. It grows from the desire for validation. Every human being has an innate desire to be validated.
Validation is a desire for connection, especially from people whose opinions matter to us. It is the natural desire to belong. This desire grew from our hunter-gatherer era, where if you did not belong to a tribe, it meant death. If a tribe could not validate your membership, then you could only eat whenever you managed to kill an animal. Solo efforts did not only mean killing small animals but also exposed you to preying animals.
In the modern age, it is not a matter of life and death. But the desire to belong is still strong. Belonging meets our psychological needs. This brings a feeling of safety, just the way it did in the past when human beings looked for safety in numbers. Social media has made things worse. Likes and comments are regarded as success.
We also live in the age of stories. Where someone’s story is valid even if it is not factual. Such stories are born of a desire to be seen, heard and understood. Families must provide avenues where everyone feels understood and heard.
There is no business for strangers to be dragged into family drama. Every family has its own drama. Leo Tolstoy told us that “All happy families are alike, and all unhappy families are unhappy in their own special way.”
When things are not right in the family, look for what makes your family unhappy. If they cannot validate your story, then seek it internally.
If things need to improve, you have to talk to your relatives in the absence of the cheering public.
