What wedding vows actually mean

By KK

I:

I am you, the poor simpleton that is just about to have his hard earned freedom taken away from him. Think about it. It’s probably been less than 10 years since your parents, teachers and lecturers stopped pushing you around. Well, of course there’s your boss, who screams at you and calls you an idiot, but at least she pays you.

Take thee:

Thee is her, beautiful and gorgeous now, but fat and bitter in five years. Thee will tolerate your habit of leaving your clothes all over the house for about six months. Thee will think it’s cute when you occasionally come home a little tipsy because she’s sooooo in loooove. In fact, she will attack the microwave the minute you stagger in and present you with hot food. But only for six months. When the hormones wear off, honeymoon is over. Dare you come staggering in at 1am! After a severe tongue-lashing full of words like ‘grow up’ and ‘irresponsible’, you will be told to find the kitchen yourself.

To be my lawful wedded wife:

You have to appreciate the use of ‘lawful’ instead of ‘only’. I guess even church people accept that men will stray and as long as the law protects the one woman he married, what the heck, let him have a little fun.

Unfortunately, the bride’s vows say the same thing; she can do the same. This is a serious loophole, which has caused many men to become cuckolds.

In sickness and in health:

This is a very serious clause. There is sickness and then there is ‘sickness’.

Obesity has now been recognised as a disease. Thus, if she grows wide like a water tank, you’re not allowed to dump her for breach of contract.

Furthermore, with the new constitution, women have serious rights. Soon, sexual disinterest (frigidity) will be declared a disease. What if she decides to give you your conjugal rights only on public holidays? I think we now have only three: Mashujaa, Madaraka and Jamhuri. Too bad.

For richer, for poorer:

I have a sister who’s fond of saying "You’re just blowing smoke out of your ass" when an idea fails to impress. When your bride says she will stick by you even when poverty strikes hard, you might want to check her lovely tush for smoke. If you see it, it won’t mean there’s a new Pope.

My advice:

In most churches, the aisle is mercifully straight. The lack of any corners and curves to negotiate will greatly enhance your speed. I recommend you give the priest the bird, give your soon to be ex-bride one long squeeze and bolt out of there like David Rudisha in new shoes.