Some people want closeness but fear being loved. Consultant psychologist James Bosse says those kinds of people associate intimacy with pain and rejection and fear emotional exposure because they believe it may lead to disappointment or loss of control.
He says that love needs emotional risk, something that not everyone feels safe taking.
James explains that traumatic psychological experiences, such as childhood neglect, betrayal, emotional abuse, bullying, humiliation, abandonment, toxic relationships and growing up in unpredictable environments, can make affection feel unsafe or overwhelming later in life.
“Many people who experienced childhood emotional neglect struggle to receive love and care, as they don’t believe they deserve it. They can be uncomfortable or suspicious when someone praises or validates them since they did not grow up experiencing healthy affection,” he says.
Some individuals, he adds, create conditions for love instead of accepting it freely. They feel they have to overgive emotionally in order to keep someone close. Fear of love is also connected to attachment styles and abandonment wounds. He says people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles fear rejection intensely.
“Some cling too tightly to relationships, while others distance themselves emotionally to avoid getting hurt. Many feel safest when they are alone because solitude gives them a sense of control,” he says.
He says this fear happens when relationships grow emotionally intimate. Vulnerability activates fear in people who associate closeness with pain, and they enter relationships already preparing for the possibility that they will end. They hold back emotionally and avoid full commitment.
James says that people with low self-esteem may believe they are unlovable or undeserving of healthy relationships.
To them, genuine love may feel unrealistic or even suspicious.
He says painful, traumatic experiences condition the brain to expect betrayal or disappointment.
As a result, kindness, consistency, and affection may feel unfamiliar or too good to be true and therefore cause self-sabotage.
“Some people did not grow up receiving affection consistently. When genuine care is shown to them, they may feel overwhelmed and question whether they truly deserve it,” he says.
Past heartbreaks such as rejection and cheating can create emotional defences that make people hesitant to open up again in future relationships.
He says individuals have to be intentional about healing instead of allowing past pain to control future relationships.
He adds that signs of fearing intimacy include discomfort with emotional conversations, emotional distance, pulling away when emotional closeness increases, and difficulty expressing vulnerability. They may over-analyse interactions, fear judgement, hide emotions, and avoid difficult conversations because vulnerability triggers panic.
Interestingly, some individuals feel more comfortable chasing love than receiving it. Pursuing someone can create a sense of emotional control and distance, while receiving genuine love requires openness and vulnerability.
He explains that while they teach valuable lessons, they can also become barriers; past experiences can make people confuse emotional chaos with love. Some relationships develop from sympathy, and when the sympathy fades, the relationship may end.
“Many cultures also discourage men from expressing vulnerability, while women are expected to prioritise pleasing others and suppressing their own needs, and then these expectations can limit healthy emotional expression and intimacy,” he expresses.
Fear of love is common among highly independent people since they are those who fear self-protection after repeated disappointments and struggle to depend emotionally on others. Healthy protection, he says, involves boundaries and self-awareness, while emotional shutdown involves avoidance and withdrawal.
