For many people sex is a pleasant activity to look forward to. Just landed a big deal at work? Let’s make love and celebrate. Had a great time during dinner? Let’s make love and unwind. Bored? Let’s Netflix and chill. It is no wonder that even massage parlours nowadays have a ‘happy ending’, because sex is just a beautiful way to seal off deals and calm the body.
However, not many people speak of the highs and lows of the sexual experience. Before partners hit the sheets, there’s the flirting, stealing glances, light touches and texts.
The sexual tension often builds up to a high, which reaches a climax when partners meet for lungula. But what happens afterwards?
For most women, it’s a circus of emotions. Women are often held captive by conscious thoughts, especially with the bar already placed too high.
Kate (not her real name) says her most obsessive thoughts circle around her body and her performance.
“I always wonder, did I satisfy him? Did I smell great, is my body too big? Did he see the stretch marks?”
Unfortunately for many women, the low that comes after a great sexual experience usually becomes overwhelming, so much so that the woman finds herself sad, and in tears. But for other women, the high becomes overwhelming and they cry too, just out of excitement.
The Nairobian sought the views of sexually active women on the experiences with sexual highs and lows.
Out of five women we approached, one said she has never cried and has never heard of other women crying either. Two confessed that they usually cry after every intimate session, while one said that she only cried once. Thirty-three year old Stacy (note her real name) said her crying was caused by her first orgasm.
“A man had never given me an orgasm before, the one who made me cry was my second sexual partner,” she said.
“This man took his time with me, I had heard of men from that region being excellent in matters sex but I was skeptical until he folded me like chapati,” she laughs.
Stacy says that before her first orgasm she had pleasured herself but her self-driven climax could not compare to the experience she got.
She narrated, “While I was there moaning his name, I felt something building up that led to the best feeling ever and that is when I knew I finally had my first orgasm. After the climax and this overwhelming feeling, I started bawling. It was crazy, but he just held me until I was calm.”
Stacy says that she has cried numerous times, though not as badly as the first time, adding “nowadays I am gangster, so a tear will just roll down my cheeks and that’s it.”
As for Jane, her first time crying was caused by overwhelming emotions, and her partner panicked.
“He was wondering if I am okay, but it was just pleasure; luckily I knew about crying after sex through reading novels so I was not that shocked,” she said.
But Kate, a 27-year-old accountant in Nairobi says that her crying was a combination of so many things; pleasure and wondering if the guy would stay.
“I liked him a lot and when we were done I was just wondering if I gave in too soon, if he would still find me attractive, and if he even liked me. Of course I did not tell him my fears,” she confesses.
According to Clinical Psychologist Jacque Gathu, crying after sex is a completely normal experience that should not be frowned upon. According to Gathu, there are a lot of emotions that come with having an orgasm, including love, anxiety, and vulnerability.
“It’s a mind-blowing experience as there’s exchange of energy, there’s love there’s connection and exchange of hormones,” she says.
She adds that Oxytocin, the love hormone, and dopamine give a natural high. “Of course these chemical responses intensify the emotional responses that accompany the orgasm,” she notes.
Gathu adds that the peak of arousal lights up the whole brain, so all emotions are heightened. But the important thing, according to her, is to trust your body.
“Trusting your body’s wisdom is a beautiful experience that can improve your sexual and emotional satisfaction. The fact that you can get in touch with your emotions to the extent of letting out is magical,” says Gathu.
For men, seeing their partner cry causes a mix of emotions, especially confusion.
“I panicked, I was just wondering if I hurt her, was she okay? So being a gentleman I just held her. When she left I Googled it and realized it was normal,” he adds laughing. Apart from women, there are cases of men who also cry.
Sexologist Maurice Matheka says that crying after sex is out pleasure and it is not a disadvantage. He says there are chemicals that are triggered during that time, and the act should be embraced.
Dr Joachim Osur, a reproductive health expert and sexologist says that there’s a culture of people not talking during sex which needs to be abolished.
“Someone might be crying during sex, you think they are enjoying but you are hurting them,” says Dr Osur.
In simple terms what some women are asking for are the silent whispers, “Do you like it baby?”, throw in a few compliments here and there “You are sexy”, “You smell so good”, then add a sprinkle of concern; “Do you want me to slow down?” “Do you like it faster?” and so on. Just simple small acts of kindness,” he says.
Dr. Osur adds that crying during or after sex can be caused by the joy of having sex with your ideal partner.
“Have you ever imagined having sex with the love of your life, the ideal person, you probably thought about it and at some point believed it might not be possible and then it happens, that can make you cry,” he says
He also says that apart from pleasure, crying can be caused by past traumas. If the person was sexually assaulted they might be triggered.
Dr. Osur adds that vulnerability can also be a cause; adding that sometimes one is not sure if they really want to have sex, but they agree because the other person was persistent. Once they let it happen, regret and vulnerability kicks in.
