A family of origin refers to the family that one grew up in, the parents, siblings and to a large extent the extended family, particularly grandparents and close relatives that have lived with the nuclear family.

These family members have significant influence on and individuals and the relationship influences their behaviour, expectations and also influences how they relate with others.

The influence of the family of origin impacts greatly on every individual, who they become and to a large extent the way they relate to others. It is therefore necessary to explore family backgrounds and dynamics thereof. Family of origin patterns can influence many partners in various aspects of their relationships in marriage.

Being aware of this gives you a great opportunity to work through those patterns, become aware of some of the attitudes and behaviour that impact both positively and negatively to the relationship in order to enjoy a happier, healthier relationship.

Ruth married into a different culture, where she came from a daughter-in-law was not allowed to stay in the same room with her father-in-law; she can serve him with food and leave immediately. Her culture was what she exercised, but as for her husband what he picked was that she was being rude, disrespectful and did not care to spent time with him father.

Her situation is not unique as most couples find out sooner or later, marriage involves more people than just the couple. The relationship opens the door to a new set of relatives and friends. These relationships have tremendous influence on the marital relationship.

Most families observed certain rules, roles, culture, traditional roles and rituals that have so shaped them. They have the worldview and perception based on their learning and experiences in the formative years. If a family of origin had challenges of abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, depression the exposure to the children will have some significant challenges in adulthood.

As an adult, an individual can find themselves reinforcing the behavior that they learnt unconsciously as they grew up or on the other hand, the pain, anger and bitterness of their past will help the individual not to repeat the negative traits modeled during their formative years.

Families are different, every individual comes from a family with some traditions, rules, rituals that are spoken or unspoken, and regardless of the situation the value and emphasis made of them may be shocking to an incoming member of the family.

Generally there are formal and informal rules; there also are the unspoken and confidential rules of the household, which for example are as follows;

Formal: As a family they have dinner once a week together, family meetings once a month and spend Christmas and New Year together as a family tradition.

Informal: The family has certain expectations of each other, for example there are certain spaces in the house that should not be tampered with by the children. There is a particular item that only visitors are allowed to use. If a member of the family will be late the assumption is that they will call to inform.

Unspoken: There may be some things that the family is not particularly proud of and the unspoken rule is that they ought not talk about it. This generally relates with abuse, alcoholic tendencies, failure etc. Families do have secrets that are guarded and do not discuss them with outsiders. Families are very dynamic; some have very strong rules and traditions while others are flexible, open and transparent.

There always is a level of adjustment when joining a new family and an outsider is not always given a warm welcome. Cross cultural and cross racial marriages have some significant differences that one needs to understand. Learn, understand and acknowledge the cultural diversity.

A new culture should be cultivated where both partners feel at ease and at home. There are things that can never change, negotiate and navigate with unconditional positive regard.

 

The writer is a relationship coach and author, Marriage Built to Last. You can reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke