By Joyce Gathu
Death is an inevitable part of life, yet it is a fact that brings no consolation to those who have lost a loved one.
Emily Wangui gives her view on grieving. [Photo:Joyce Gathu] |
For a country like Kenya with 510 fatal accidents per 100,000 vehicles, it means that a majority of people are often grieving.
But what worries psychiatrists like Dr Judith Mulinya, is that the institutions of counselling, psychology and psychiatrist treatment continue to be treated as if they are meant for those who are mentally unstable.
"Yet, coping with grief following the death of a loved one is a complex issue," Mulinya explains.
Sometimes, the loss of life is a national issue, such as during the post-election violence, where more than 1,000 people died, the Sachangwan fire tragedy, which claimed about 100 lives, Nakumatt Down Town fire that left 29 dead and Nairobi’s Sinai slum disaster that left 76 dead.
Most recently was the Mathare landslide where eight people perished.
"What happens to those who are left behind so suddenly, so unexpectedly?" wonders Mulinya.
Adding that, "We don’t have structures that can deal with the large number of the bereaved in manner that can bring both short-term and long-term healing."
Stages of grief
The stages of grief following the death of our loved ones are universal. They take time with the duration of healing varying from one person to another.
"Human beings everywhere experience denial, then anger followed by a period of trying to explain what they could have done differently to save a loved one," says Mulinya.
"They then progress to a period of traumatic depression, a feeling of great sadness and finally acceptance, which is the right outcome."
Mulinya says denial and shock are normal reactions to grave news acting as shock absorbers when a tragedy occurs. But she cautions that they are temporary defense mechanisms.
She says that after a while, since denial cannot be maintained for long, it is replaced by other strong and often uncontrollable feelings of resentment, anger and even envy.
Mulinya adds although anger is often seen as a destructive emotion, it is also cathartic because it helps the bereaved to express how they feel, as opposed to them bottling up their emotions.
The doctor says that it is important to note that although the stages of grief cut across all human beings, they are experienced differently and to varying degrees.
The director of the Africa Mental Health Foundation Prof David Ndetei notes that the grieving process among some people is more severe than in others. Also, some people reach a level of acceptance sooner than others.
"Unfortunately there are those who never reach acceptance and suffer from chronic depression. Some end up committing suicide," says Ndetei.
Handling grief
Research has shown that although people experience and handle grief differently, there are certain age groups that have more difficulties dealing with the loss. This is primarily because of other aspects of growth that they might be grappling with at the time.
"Studies have shown that people who lose a parent, and particularly a mother when they are young, are much more predisposed to experience depression as a direct result of this loss," says Ndetei.
He further says that this means there is a real association between loss of a mother in young people and episodes of depression as they grow older.
The professor explains that a series of loss can be extremely challenging for many people, especially the young.
"When their foundation is shaken, this can have a devastating and long-term effect that may compromise their mental health," warns Ndetei.
Healing
The psychiatrist contend that counselling helps the grieving person to reconnect and remain in touch with reality.
It also helps by replacing feelings of loss, helplessness, fear and despair, with those of hope and courage.
"Many people who are grieving blame themselves for the death of their loved ones, a counsellor can free such a person from guilt and help them move on with their lives," says Mulinya.
Road to acceptance
In December 2000, two days before Christmas, Emily Wangui’s family was thrown into mourning after the death of their mother.
Wangui who was at the time 13 years old and a last born in a family of five girls, lost in sorrow.
The death was so sudden and unexpected, especially because their mother was suffering from typhoid.
"During the December holidays, my mother fell ill with typhoid and had to be admitted. She was later discharged but then had to be re- admitted on December 20 after her condition worsened," Wangui recalls.
Three days later, her father returned to their home in Kirinyaga, carrying her mother’s clothes.
The girls were all excited assuming that their mother had been discharged.
"But that wasn’t the case, my mother was gone. It was so shocking and the darkest night of our lives. Nobody so close had died before and her death was devastating," says Wangui.
Wangui says the grief is worse when you hear the soil hit the caskets.
"It becomes painfully clear that your beloved is gone forever," she explains.
She continues, "I will never forget that sound of soil hitting my mother’s casket and the overwhelming pain."
The support of Wangui’s father through the emotional agony helped her heal but it was not easy considering that she was just getting into her teens.
Nonetheless, she trudged on and even joined college graduating with a diploma in Cosmetology.
Apart from the usual ups and downs in life, all was going well until their father was admitted in hospital in 2007. He passed on shortly afterwards.
"This was another turbulent time. I lost my father and then there was the post-election violence, which robbed me off my job in the tourism industry," Wangui recalls.
This saw her emotionally drained.
Although Wangui, a graphics designer and director of Em’s creation, has handled her loss like a champion, she says the journey has not been easy.
"It has taken perseverance, determination and focus. There are days I would walk from town to Adams Arcade selling mobile SIM cards. There is no building in town that I haven’t entered selling phones. But now am able to meet my needs and the possibilities for my growth are limitless," she says.
