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Car you drive speaks volumes about you

WANNABES
By Tony Mochama | April 27th 2021

The other week, Saturday night, there was a post-curfew gridlock on Thika road.

This was reportedly after Jayden had pulled one of his incognito ‘mtu wa kawaida’ moves where he drove himself along Thika road. Instead of Kenyans being at home by 8 p.m. to catch ‘Selina’ on TV, in these times of coronavirus, many Wannabes were still on the road that Friday after 8 p.m.

So early Sato morning, one big man reportedly called a smaller fella and asked: ‘That curfew we put to contain Covid-19, did we gazette it in Kenya or Uganda?’ Then the small fella calls the I.G. of polisi, who calls the Traffic Commandant + OCPD of Thika road ... and that’s how we end up with a traffic jam till midnight on Thika road, after a dozen police officers put road blocks after 8 p.m.

‘Uhuru amejam sasa kuna jam usijali ninacome,’ the texts go out.

But the police tell ‘Wannabes’ they will have to stay put on the barabara till 4 a.m. when curfew kwishas. Then ‘kimutus’ on social media start saying they will go and start a ‘revolution’ kwa road block.

Social media wannabes!!

And here’s what our cars, stuck on Thika road for hours, say about us, as Wannabes.

If you drive a Toyota Vitz, and you are not a youngish woman, then you are an effete wannabe gay guy.

Take note, women who drive Nissan Notes like to be noticed, while Mazda Demio people are slightly older consumers of cars who wish to save fuel.

As for Honda Fit, it is an attempt not to fit in with the ‘small car’ crowd.

The good thing with these cute matchboxes is, when you are broke hii wiki mbaya, you can turn it into an Uber on the way home, and cover your fuel.

Then, on Thika road as elsewhere, there is the hardcore ‘Japanese’ crowd for whom a car is a means of transportation, to get a body from point A to B. These are the Wannabes who drive Toyota Axio, Allions, Beltas, old model Caldinas/ Carina/ and CORONA; Delta (Suzuki), Eczema and Fielder.

In terms of practicality and no frills, however, there is no Wannabe car like a Probox! Even its name tells you that the Jap who designed it didn’t give a damn – he just took a metal box. Put wheels on it. Voila – a car that can be a taxi, mini-truck or PSV, and operate on the smooth tarmac of Thika Road or the graded hills of Nyakeminchia without a fuss, never mind the degrading memes, meh!

For compromise-seeking wannabes, who wish (not Toyota Wish) but a vehicle that is a cross between a sedan and a saloon car, then Toyota Vanguard is the car that is always a front, instead of in front, of you.

If you are a family man with many wannabe offspring, or the manager of a Wannabe successful band, then what is a Voxy or Noah.

The Toyota Land Cruiser VX is for folks who feel they have arrived – but want to still go far.

And the Mark ‘X’ for Toyota owners who hope to someday get that ‘X’ at the end of a ‘B’ and ‘M’ – in short, wannabes who would want a Beamer.

Wannabes who own ‘Toyota Crowns’ think wamefika, but that only happens in Toyota World after you buy a Lexus, the luxury car of every Wannabe.

But there’s no Wannabe in the world like one driving a Subaru, kwanza at high speed – whether it is an Impressa to impress or a ‘Legacy’ coz these ones think they are road legends. Most Subaru owners have refused to outgrow ‘Safari Rally’ kwa kichwa.

Then there are those ‘proud owners of German automobiles,’ you’d think they made them kwa garage.

Mercedes Benz men and women are saying ‘don’t mess with me,’ we’re executive and are not Wannabes.

BMW owners in Kenya are wannabes who wish to convey a certain smooth class and bespoke lifestyle.

For solid, stable types, seek ye the owners of VW Passats, and give them a pat on the back for ‘reality.’

I’m no Baraza, the car expert, but I think Audis are the best of the lot, and convey a certain worldliness.

Range Rovers are for the rich, and for those stuck in them that night, better to be stuck in a RR on TRd ...

 

­— [email protected]

 

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