Since 1901

10 reasons Sunday is the most unholy day

TEN THINGS

Sunday is generally a special day for Christians as this is the day most people rest and go to church. In the village, it is actually the day people wear their best clothes.

It is the day Christians carry their Bibles and rosaries, dress righteousness as they appear before their Maker.

However, while Sunday is supposed to be a holy day, in Kenya, things are a bit different. Here are the reasons. 

1. Kutoa lock

It is the day many drunkards wake up high like a kite but not even the charming voice of the chorister in the nearby church can persuade them to seek God’s grace.

Like zombies, they saunter to the nearest wines and spirits shop to counter the crazy effects of heavy drinking the previous night.

Sometimes, the 'kutoa lock' session goes on till late at night.

2. Fornication spree

It is the day steamy sessions hit the peak. On Sunday, Kenyans mate like rabbits without caring that their God is resting, watching them sweating instead of worshipping him. In the villages, estates, and towns you bump into pairs conspicuously planning a raunchy match or tiredly coming from one. It is the day the househelp, watchie, and shamba boy get a break to ‘drain the oil’.

3.  Mushene day

We love gossip and Sunday gives us that convenient day to chitter-chatter about our leaders, friends, family, and spouses. Women congregate at Mama Onyi's house for chama business but spend most of the time talking about their friend whose husband is munching the bootylicious bartender without the wife’s knowledge.

Men are good at this. In the bar, they talk and laugh about their friend Karis who was auctioned, or Kipngetich who was battered by his mpango wa kando after he infected her with kaswende.

4. Sealing dirty deals

It is an inactive day that is convenient for informal meetings to seal all manner of pacts.

Dirty political, business, and criminal deals are planned on a Sunday afternoon as executors swallow some booze with goat ribs.

5. Lying to God

Is it not the day we shower Him with praises and vow not to sin again knowing well once we step out of the church precincts, we retreat to factory settings? Coveting others’ partners, hating a couple that drove to the church in a new car, and being jealous of new lovebirds in choir happens on Sunday.

We gossip about the bishop’s wife’s cheap shoes, the pregnancy of Josephine, the choir girl who is in love with a makanga.

6. Road trips of sin

Raunchy vibrant youths in schools and colleges spend Sundays taking trips outside the town not to discuss algebra but fornicate and abuse drugs.

The road trips to Namanga, Thika, and Naivasha in noisy, pimped-up matatus end up with rumpy-pumpy sessions, binging and taking hard stuff.

7. Baby bump party

Nothing wrong with celebrating a friend who is heavy with a child. It is even better on a holy day like Sunday. But the photo session with the uncovered bulging tummy and ass borders on the making of blue films. Such must be enraging the Almighty when he ought to be getting soothed with praise and worship.

8. Visiting witchdoctors

The most faithful good customers of Kaseu the witchdoctor are usually women. Sunday offers her an opportunity to seek Mganga’s explanation for why her daughter is not getting a rich hubby even after praying at Namanga hills and fasting for 21 days.

Though Mama Esther is a staunch believer, she is fond of seeking Kaseu’s services. She takes tenfold her tithe to him and other pricey stuff for a problem that needs a simple solution.

9. Kupanda mbegu

Before the gospel of the day sinks in, the word-thirsty faithful is bombarded with planned harambees to buy the pastor a new designer suit and the latest kitenge for his mama. Church service is never complete without money talk.

Some men of cloth use the altar to hoodwink the steadfast followers to seek blessings by planting mbegu ya Sh310. Fake anointing oil, prayers, and other paraphernalia are sold on this day.

10. Spreading political filth

Your MP saunters to Jehovah Tusamehe Ministries with a holier-than-thou mien but once he is given the mic, he spews sh*t that cannot be entertained in Satan’s sphere. Surprisingly, his filth amuses the priests and faithful who don’t hide the grin.

The rival, after chewing mwili wa Kristo, stops at the nearest town to rouse wananchi with mganga, mademoni or muguruki insults.