10 types of barmaids you will find in pubs
You can drink in an estate bar for a month, and pen an award winning novel. The poor, rich, cuckolded husbands and adulterous wives all congregate to drink away their tears, joys and sorrows. The high priest in charge of the congregation is the barmaid. Here at 10 types of barmaids you will meet in estate pubs.
1. Miss educated
She is highly educated, probably with a first class honours degree in Hospitality Management from one of those universities 400km away from Nairobi. She can’t find a job commensurate with her education and has settled for a ‘lowly’ bartending job. She speaks perfect English and never lets Kamau, the millionaire businessman class 8 dropout with 14 lorries, who drinks Sh5,000 in one sitting, forget she is a graduate.
2. Bar owners
This is Njambi, the ever-happy barmaid who also owns the pub. She is usually an older woman, who owns apartments, lorries and land all over the city. She can’t quit bartending because that’s how she made her first million. No one plays with her money and she can hold a drunkard in chokehold until the money hits her M-Pesa account. They are usually fat, foul-mouthed, drink Guinness, and live in a flat above the pub.
3. Sex siren
This is the hot barmaid who just arrived from Uganda. Within a week of her arrival, grapevine will have reached the estate wives about a new barmaid who wants to snatch their broke and potbellied husbands. Estate women will hold a demonstration. Such hotties never last in such a job because one drinker, probably a divorced lawyer with a smooth tongue and deep pockets will wife her. Next time you see her, she will be driving her husband’s car to town having enrolled for a degree and is heavily pregnant.
4. Agony Aunt
This is the kind barmaid who offers counselling services to men who are going through the vagaries of life. She will listen, give advice and generally cares about her customers. If she hasn’t seen a patron for a few days, she will call and find out how he is doing. She is the type of barmaid who has gone to all patrons’ villages, because she attends funerals whenever they are bereaved.
5. The prostitute
This one works in a bar but her core business is sex. For the right price, you can wait until the bar closes and she will sell you other services that won’t get you drunk, but will leave you drained and a few thousand shillings broke. She is the type you should never cross or ‘kukula na deni’ because if you don’t pay, she has no qualms about storming into your house on a Sunday afternoon when the chama members from church are holding prayers.
6. Spoilt brat
These are the attention seekers. They will wear the most revealing clothes, speak the foulest of words and will always be seated at the customer’s tables instead of behind the counter. They never last on the job because soon, Man Stevo, the renowned estate impregnator will fill her belly with twins.
7. Miss Alcoholic
These type of bar maids actually love their job because it comes with perks. They can drink as much as they want. She will happily take two tots from John’s gin, three tots from Maina’s whisky and accept two bottles of Balozi from Onyi. Apart from hand sanitisers, she drinks everything that has alcohol content. She always has a sob story, either running away from police, an angry wife whose husband she slept with or auctioneers.
8. Kenya Open
This is the type who loves alcohol and sex, and she only charges for alcohol. As the night wears on, her cleavage gets more exposed as she gets more drunk, marinated by the free beers from customers. Eventually when she closes the bar while drunk, disorderly and wet, she will allow one patron to slide in and partake her bounty.
9. Church mouse
She never takes alcohol and is by all means a wife material. She is serious about her job and is always on the lookout for a husband.
10. The thief
These ones pilfer anything in sight. The paid bills, customer’s phones or jackets and if she finds a badly kept husband, she steals him too.