This goes out to those men in a relationship. Your girlfriend, fiancée or ‘sponsee’ falls into one of these categories:
Village girl
This is the type of woman who might be either in the village or the city with a heavy village hangover. She wears long skirts, maxi dresses and prefers nduma or githeri to bread for breakfast. She cannot tell the difference between an omelette and chapati, but you still love her anyway. Be careful, this is the type who can easily sleep with the neighbour, just because he makes her laugh!
Socialite
She is most likely a high school or college dropout with a fake accent. She comes across as trashy and wears expensive outfits that you obviously did not buy. Sexy to her means exposing her fundamentos, no wonder ‘Team Mafisi’ would love her. She is often empty-headed, extravagant and the god of gold diggers.
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Church girl
Her father is a pastor, her mum a deaconess and she probably leads prayers and choir in church. She is fairly decent, a tad bit disciplined, but such a huge bore. She is a teetotaller who thinks people sin at parties, you obviously cannot take her out because “God is watching.” She is too rigid and the only time she has come close to intimacy is when she is dreaming.
Your outings are restricted to movies, picnics or walks at Uhuru Park. She won’t let you kiss her because that is sinful. However, the one time you corner and touch her where she has never been touched, her wall will come tumbling down like a house of cards.
Mother girl
This type wants to settle down after three months of dating and lectures you on everything. She has issues with the kind of friends you keep, your diet, how you use the toilet, how you squeeze the toothpaste tube...she literally changes into your mother. She is high-handed and reminds you why she’s the best thing to ever happen in your life.
Ratchet
She is a typical hood girl. She is a party animal, very pretty and troublesome. She is the type of woman your friends want a piece of. She is bad news, but damn! Every time she goes down on you, the gates of heaven are flung open.
Whenever you try breaking up with her, she’ll send you a nude and the boiling rush of your blood will thrust you right back into her arms. Talking of nudes, all your friends have her nudes too!
Miss Independent
She has a good job, a sound education and everything working out for her. She does not want children because they will derail her career growth and expects you to understand. She is the type who does not need your money and dates you because it is what the society expects. She is a feminist and will remind you at every turn of her rights, even during the flimsiest of arguments.
She only hangs out in expensive restaurants, drinks fine wine or aged whiskey, is eloquent and well-groomed. However, she is not wifely and spent too many years of schooling that she forgot how to cook, cannot do basic house chores and only dates men of her class. She is awfully boring in bed, and you better be careful with her hair because it cost her a fortune at the salon.
The desperate one
This one does not even know what she wants in life. She is the type whom you invite for a weekend to your house and she carries a suitcase, then refuses to leave. She would take a loan or drain her savings to buy you a Rolex or finance your extravagant lifestyle.
She is desperate for your attention and love, and would even feign pregnancy or deliberately get knocked up to trap you into marriage.
The ‘sponsee’
You might be a decade or more, older than her, but her young succulent body helps suppress your ageing hormones. She performs judo for you between the sheets, in return, you pay her rent and maintain her lifestyle. Chances are, you are not the only sponsor and she has a younger boyfriend somewhere. Well, you have a wife too, so just take care of yourselves.
