Bullies rub hands in glee as they look forward to harassing Form Ones

Following the successful completion of the Form One selection, we have reliably been informed that bullies in public secondary schools have expressed excitement and begun in earnest their ‘victim selection’ process.

Students who will pass the ‘bully victim selection’ process successfully will have the unique opportunity of experiencing meanness to harden them for a full year.

According to a list seen by journalists, among the things the victims will be put through by the bullies include being called all sorts of demeaning names. They will also be made to do crazy things in the name of ‘initiation into high school’.

It will be done professionally and victims can rest assured that many years later they will have ample tales to tell their children.

And should they prefer it, when anything goes wrong in their adulthood such as stubbing their toes or burning food, they can always refuse to take responsibility and place the blame on the trauma of bullying.

To enhance chances of being selected, the bullies have already released a list of the things they are looking for in potential victims.

This includes skinniness, timidity, shyness, cowardice, social awkwardness, small physique and an ability to be easily intimidated.

But when put on the spot over the issue school administrators all over the country unanimously denied that there was such an event taking place.

“There’s no such thing as bullying in our schools, we have totally eradicated it... unless you are talking about the school bull we intend to slaughter on prize giving day,” clarified one head teacher.

The headmistress went on to say that public boarding schools are nowadays bully-free zones “unlike in the 1970s” before adding that bullying culture has long been weeded out in schools in just the same way that giving teachers’ nicknames by students has become a thing of the past.

The headteachers were speaking during a national headteachers conference where their heads were not visible because, as journalists later found out, they were buried in the sand.

When confronted by a hack while conducting their Form One ‘bullying victim selection’ process, some mean looking students in one school grabbed the recorder, tore the reporter’s notebook, forcefully snatched his phone and demanded money before releasing him from their choking grip.

It took the intervention of other equally mean-looking boys who accepted cigarettes for their troubles. But even as the ‘victim selection’ process is ongoing, the bullies have added their voices in criticising the Form One selection process, saying they have been dealt a bad hand.

The chairman of the School Bully Association of Kenya voiced his opposition to the quota system arguing that the criteria used resulted in their schools receiving too many battle-hardened public school students and these were not as easy to intimidate as the sheltered private school students.

“This is unfair and unjust... how do they expect us to get our prey when majority of the incoming Form Ones are from public schools... these types have seen the worst of life--walking to school barefoot, teacher’s strikes and what not!” lamented Scarface the chairman of School Bully Association of Kenya.

“Plus some of them studied in roofless classrooms or under trees where they daily had to fight against the elements... and sometimes even wild animals. The Government needs to step in and send us more ‘softies’ from private schools who likely to have more pocket money to exploit!”  Scarface said.