When monotony hits monogamy

Soni Kanake

It is the oldest institution in the world but also the most endangered - marriage. Marriage today comes with all the twists, turns, intrigues and drama of soap operas - an institution which single people are dying to get into while some married people are dying to get out of.

The question that begs is why are couples getting ‘bored’ of each other in a union that is meant to last forever. Good marriages are made in heaven but as the weather girl would tell you, so is thunder and lightning!

What makes marriage boring after the thunder and lightning of the first few days, months or years?

George who has been married for the last 17 years, feels that taking each other for granted is one of the attraction killers in marriage.

"Wives think that they are indispensable and so they are not keen on treating their husbands like kings," he says.

Drab look

George further adds that his wife doesn’t even make an effort to look good any more.

"In the evening when I get home, she is wearing one of those hideous T-shirts," he says, adding that men are visual creatures and this drab look is an instant libido killer.

George says that when he gets home tired at the end of the day, his wife always has something to complain about. But girlfriends know that they are dispensable and strive to make the men happy.

"Sometimes it’s not always about sex but I will go to my girlfriend’s small SQ just to enjoy some peace of mind," he offers.

However he also takes issue with men who fail to appreciate the small things their wives do, like a new hair-do or good cooking.

"Lack of appreciation within a marriage could lead to either party looking for it elsewhere," says George.

Tim, 32, concurs with George. He says sometimes women are so judgmental it switches men off. He cites an incident where he mentioned to his wife about a rough financial patch he was going through.

"I expected her to support me but instead I got such a tongue lashing, I would rather share any of my problems with my boys," he complains.

Tim feels that women don’t give them a chance to be vulnerable with them and since men follow the path of least resistance, they opt to keep quiet and keep the peace.

George continues to explain that it is very important to be best friends even before marriage.

"Just think of it, you can share anything with your best friend and that should be the ideal situation in marriage,"offers George. He says boredom could creep in if people married for the wrong reason like beauty or money which could fade and wane.

Anna, 35 and married for the last eight years, also feels that taking each other for granted kills the passion in marriage.

She says: "His assumption is that as his wife I will always be there so he doesn’t make an effort to do anything special for me."

Anna says it’s all about creativity. "Create opportunities for both of you to do things that you don’t usually do together. Get into each others’ worlds," she encourages.

A helping hand

"As much as there are defined roles for both men and women, the woman appreciates a little help with some chores like rocking the baby to sleep once in a while," she offers.

Anna takes issue with the laxity and irresponsibility among men today. Men take advantage of their working wives and the women end up being the sole breadwinners, literally.

"How do you expect me to get excited when he comes home when I end up paying the school fees, house rent and other expenses?" she poses adding: "and he still expects me to function at the junction (conjugal rights.)"

Anna says that a woman ends up despising such a man.

Says she: "When a man comes home to eat food he hasn’t even bought; he’s passively telling me to get money from other men for the same." She feels that men take advantage of the fact that women nurture by nature and will always cover up for their husband’s inadequacies.

Anna’s sister Christine shares similar sentiments and feels that homes have become ‘tasteless’.

"Most men are proud. He would rather be at home than be at a job paying Sh20,000 as he awaits his ‘big break’," she explains. She says most men are not ambitious and continue to mark time, something that bores women stiff.

She says sex has become one big bother to her since she is already overworked, being the breadwinner.

She is in it for the children, as she doesn’t want to be a single mother. Christine has chosen to adapt to the ‘bad life’ her man has consigned her to and concludes by saying that marriages are built on trust.

She notes: "Once broken it can never be repaired".

Take charge

Anna says that most men today brag about their children while they neither buy them clothes nor know the price of milk.

She says a man’s role cannot be played accurately by anyone else but him. She still thinks marriage can be fun if both parties are willing to meet each other half way.

Tembo, 37 and married for six years, feels that any disintegration in the home is caused by men that do not take charge of their homes.

"A man should be able to manage his home because women get bored of spineless men," he says.

He says if both parties took up their roles, respect will be maintained and the union is workable. "Most battles stem from the man not taking charge," he shares.

Tembo also feels that both partners should learn how to spice up bedroom affairs to keep boredom at bay.

"Physical appearance and hygiene are key," he offers. "I take issue with the way women suddenly become ‘official’ after they become wives," he laments.

Joseph is in his mid-40s and has been married for 15 years. He feels most women undergo a personality change and the fun-loving woman is always gone with the wedding cake.

Everything is suddenly done in a certain way. "This routine kills the fun and extinguishes the fire gradually but surely," he points out.

He asserts the importance of being friends and compatible since there will be always something to talk about which is the secret to not getting bored. Passion, he says, also dies the moment you sample outside the relationship since it kills the fire inside.

Judy’s 13 year-old marriage is as dead as Julius Caesar, and the passion long gone. Her man always says he’s broke. He is having extra marital affairs. Asked what could have caused this, she said that some men are just promiscuous and nothing a woman does can change that.

Marriage is indeed hard work but from the few working ones, there is hope that this dying institution can still be revived.

Dr Gidraph Wairire, a Sociology lecturer at the University of Nairobi believes that an ideal marriage is where there is commitment, mutual respect and a sense of humour.

When marriage lacks its flavour and excitement, it becomes dull and routine, leading couples to look elsewhere for challenge and fun. Such couples do not carry the little gestures they did while courting into marriage.

An ideal marriage

"The little things, like holding hands and spending time together, are the ones that go a long way," he says.

He explains that marital relationships have different gears and couples should learn to engage the right gear.

"Unfortunately during challenges, most people engage the reverse gear. This leads to a communication breakdown and the guy would rather not come home," he expounds. When not addressed, this escapism results in men spending more time in the bar or the gym or in acute silence. She ends up becoming bitter due to the unresolved issues.

Couples should also learn to appreciate each other. Compliments boost each other’s ego. He explains that even in men there’s that inner child that longs to be touched and appreciated. When this is not forthcoming the relationship has no flavour.

Dr Wairire advises couples to be creative and avoid settling into routines. He also feels that most women relax after marriage and no longer make an effort to dress impressively, which eventually bores the man. Another cause of boredom would be unmet anticipations and expectations prior to marriage. Couples should learn to live with the weaknesses they can’t change.