Snooping on your lover is a waste of time

It is enough to have grown up in a Kenyan household where our parents held on tightly to the reigns and rarely allowed us to make any decisions of our own. They had a hand in almost all decisions in our lives, from life changing choices like what courses we took in college to trivial matters like what we ate and wore. They literally held us on tight leash, deciding who was good enough to be our friends and banishing any men who appeared too red eyed or with funny hairstyles from our homes.

Having gone through such a baptism, it is extremely unfair to realise that the man you love is just as controlling. In the beginning you think that he cares and that is why he wants to know where you are and who you are hanging out with at every single opportunity. He wants to drop you to whichever place you are going to and will not even allow you to take an Uber back. You are deluded that he is romantic until you realise that he has been monitoring your call logs as well.

Even though he spends on you, he does not trust you to make decisions on your own – he will buy for you what he deems good for you and not what you really want. Your role in the house is reduced to that of a child as he decides even what you should and should not cook. If his mother never used garlic in her cooking then you certainly cannot use it in your food.

Let us just agree that by the time we get into a relationship we are both adults of sound mind and no one needs a minder watching his/her every step. Your father might have grown up in an era where he grouped your mother as part of his children and therefore treated her as one. But it is the 21st century and we are aware both men and women have equal rights.

If you don’t trust your woman so much that you have to put a tight leash on her then you are by no means ready for a relationship. Truth is you can never successfully control an adult. Loving people means trusting them to do the right thing. Whether you monitor her with a helicopter and 24-hour surveillance if she wants to be mischievous she still will be – right under your nose.

Long gone are the days when our mothers treated our fathers like mini gods – they were told what to do and never asked questions. They accounted for every single cent they were given and waited at their doorsteps to welcome their husbands with hot bathing water and tea in flasks.

Just like Chinua Achebe puts it, we have washed our hands and we deserve to eat with the elders. We will not wait for any man to control us, instead we expect to sit at the table when decisions are made.

Of course, we understand our roles in the family setting and we will endeavour to give our best to the family. But what we will not tolerate is being treated like lesser partners – children who have to be told what to do.

We enter unions hoping for the best but with an open mind that winds can shift and love can die. We will therefore try our best not to limit you unless your choices are adversely affecting the family. We expect you to reciprocate.

Relationships and marriages should never feel like prisons and if you get to a point where you feel you have to control your partner then know you have lost it.