Der old-tymers….

By Smitta

So DJ Pinye had his 15th career party, n his 38th Birthday bash, at Carni last Furahiday, courtesy of Pilsner n wakina cool Sylvia n Christina of Silver Bullet marketing.’ I didn’t attend, coz I hadda feelin’ Pinye d have Face Controls at de door ta keep my butt out. I tink I might-a whacked D.J. Pinye once-upon-a-cane as bene an "old cat at tha spin table, his ancient talons still skraching old skool records"

Sumthin’ like dat!

Kumbe Pinye is one of those sullen pakas who, wen u enjoy him kiasi, kunjas his sura like tabula rasa, n gets a curdled look like old maziwa lala. Dude shd take a leaf from easy swagger like Shaffie Weru… n wear his age wid pride like cool Carol Radull.

Look, it’s not like the Smittski, me I’m a sweet 16 spring shee-ken, me. In fact, we are autumn lions … lakini if DJ CK has taught Kenyans notta shop lift from supermarts, e.g. Uchumi, he has always carried himself funky for a sevente-plus; altho it doth help to cherry the cheddar.

Back to tha Pinye re-mix, I re-call dat 15 years ago, at the start o’ dat year, the blues was still strong — wid wimps like Whitney singing ‘l’ll Always luv ya,’ (she lied, Babby Brown Sugar)," and some acapella thugs Shai swearing "If I Ever Fall in Love"

Then there were tha cool party songs by Tag-Team like "Whoomp! There It Is" and Snap’s "Rhythm is a Dancer" — which could keep ya partyin’ all nite.

Then there was the whack boy, Snow, with a song called ‘Informer’ (he waz a Vanilla Ice on melt) and the cool white boyz the ‘Spin Doctors’ wid deya song ‘Two Princes’ — which had some smoking chorus: "An if you, wanna buy me flowers (just go ahead now), n if u, like to talk 4 hours"— shout it out loud: "Just go ahead now!" Ahh, the Groenewegens.

I don’t remember D.J Pinye playin’ any such songs … but we wasn’t his fan-skis, ways… But if u tink Deejay Pinye is tha only Rip van Winkle or ‘mzeeiya’ of tha Kenyan musik index, I’ll acquaint-re you wid some odda Old-Timers in tha Game, whom I knew when I waz still teenaging (see, ku-riot ilianza zammo, lakini pia nilikuwa niki-so-ma, so if u take me as you showbiz model 4 de bashes, u better also be a B+, or better, ndio tubaki buddies ka Muthaura na Ki Vaki, au vip-ski)?

Jimmi Gathu

He waz tha first real life celeb I ever met … when he waz the only young celeb in Kenya, thanx to KTN, then tha only cool TV station in Kenya. Te other option was VoK — with their top hit progz like ‘Dunia Wiki Hii’ and ‘Momonyoko wa Udongo.’

Anyway, I went to the KTN offices, not then on top of cool blue I&M Towers like nowadays, but on top of Nyayo House (at da bottom, Basement 3, chillin’ yells as Mwakenyas got their balls pliers-compliant). Jimmi Gathu had a ka-slope hair-do, n those bright Hawaii shirts, n I was like, "who the dash is this dude? Parker-Lewis-can’t-lose?"

Big Kev n Big Ted

I met both these Big Boyz back in tha mid-1990s, n while they were like the best of Buds, Big Ted scared tha tizzle outta me cos I tink he had been like a gangsta for gizmo, b4 he found tha Lord at tha tyme of our meetink. After celebrity, he backslid into booze n babes, b4 finding a good doke to marry … n Big T is now back in Jehovah-mon’s good books.

Big Kev, when we met, waz a ‘goody two shoes’ who had just won Mr Campus (me, I drank sachets on-stage n waz disqualified), n waz hustllin’ to make it Big. And, he gone done it!

Helen Muthoni Bwika

When I first knew her, she was a sweet girl in Saint ‘G’ and we usedta live on tha same street. After Mutho became a Capitol celebrity in tha late ‘90s, she forgot tha Hood n disowned one n all. Ten years alter, MB has ‘mbwekad’ her way back to obscurity, like a ‘bwa mbweka, boo ho ha hee. What can I say? Mpanda ngazi … … ni Peter Marangi.

The Ndavi M-Boyz

Ero Ndavi was tha ndahling of the ladies, n one-a the gals he usedta date was Muthoni. Man, dheir bouts out campus were legendary. Watts wid Ero n de dramatique queens? Next GF fer him was the notorious Farrida Boom, who at one point, almost set his moti on fire in a rage!

Denno, of Homeboyz, has always been more of the ‘smoo-oo-th op-e-rator.’ Yu know those guys whose lines are sleek like oil spills? Dat was Denno, although he now hitched. The current king of Smooth is Mcee DnG, Sir Wembe two-point-oh. Na DnG akikunyoa, don’t say itz DNA. Say wembe ni ile ile, ya Sir Wembe. Can I hear a thamba ngweze, pliz?

Caroline Mutoko

I knew this fine feline way b4 FM, at little Red San’s riding-number-eleven hood, South B. Her momma, her sista Regina (not tha one in tha song). CM waz always the church diva at ‘Our Lady.’ Later, after bank-ski, she went to Capitol, waz one of the "wong wong whoo-ey" jungu accents on radio, but then t-least went miro at KISS.

And a new age waz born.

Look, madam Mutoko is always impulsed about her issues. She cried when Obash became prezzo of tha USA (coz she finally realised guys like the Baks give jack-all about legacies), me I celeb’d wid vodoski coz Barack is from our kayak. But all I cn say, sista, is "we are the ones we been waiting for!" As 4 forcing Kirats out by leo if oil prices don crop, let’s start a campaign coiled "Ho Ho Hoil! Onry too wirring!" But first, watt abt one-a those Serbian T-shirts that read ‘Resist’ in Russian?

Ted Muthusi

D’ya rememba Ted Muthusi from radio? If ya don’t, ya too yangski to be readin’ dis diesel. Anyone, b4 he went full AD, he was in FM. And when he was in USIU, n me in Nai Campo, we once pulled a full ‘Ferris Bueller’s Week Off.’ He stole his ole lady’s tiny 800cc Suzuki, sky blue, we filled it wid cheap diesel, I had 50 ngwanyez in da saddle (how, anutha day’z storo) n we rolled down ta Coaster for tha full flow, hoe n shizzo storo for seven full dayz. When we returned to Nai afta a week, we were brooke, broken, n d been busted 4 drivin’ in boxers. Sigh-dem wild dayz in kolle.

Janet

B4 Janet Mbugua of KTN, the screen queen, there waz Janet Kanini, the smiley lady on NTV. And I’ve known Kanini for half of 4ever, from tha dadyz of Phoenix n all dat Gang. We usedta hang around there wid her n that thespian crew, n drink at a balcony bar in County Hotel, which I’m not sure still sexists. Dats how we also knew Mr. lan Mbugua. And if u tink lan’s a nasty pterodactyl these dayz, them dayz he waz like one-a those demons from a Harry Potter movie … na pia maringo mob ka lale wa kizungu-zungu.

Tattuu

Didcha know dat our Comeback Gals, Tattuu, when they was young sweet kiddie-gals, were actually dancers at Psys, LA? In those dayz, Psys was a tiny, dim rock club wid sand on de floor, barrels for tables, n then owner Don Smith had hired Shinde, Debz n Rabbo to climb on de barrel, n rock their cute tushies out. A Scene we colled ‘Coyote Pretty’.

Wahu

I saved Wahu, der best ole timer, for last.

Tha first time I met her was in tha ‘90s, at ‘Wine Bar,’ wid me buddy Bernie Neto, then her short boyfee. Now he’s back with a bang, a big time LA-to-Sa hustler, darker than ever, n an inch taller than I-gher.

Back then layter, we took a taxi dat dropped her off in Ngara. She skippe doff into darkness, singing ‘Ki Bow wow.’ Wow - how far these old-Timers have come!