Eldee is juzz da shiznit!

Smitta Smitten

Dedikated to Campo stoodies Jesse Onchanda and Renee Akeyo

The nite afore the Pulse tripski to Eldee, I made da mistake of kunywaink vodoski at a town pub wit Albert Josiah n summa his peeps.

Albo himself is a cool n off-the-rockers kinda dude. Like he hates KICC, da building, coz it looks like an over-roasted maize cob wit a bad hat on!

But here came one of his peeps, a mama (long after da dude has scattered) n sez: "Smits, am a big fan o’ urs. Can I hav summa ya vodiski (sic)?"

Nam thinking, if she such a big fan, shoont she be de one buying me diz booznit? But she sits, n pours herself a quarter of my half, n start swillin’ it. But wait a sek, this w*nch is PG!!

"If yu keep kunywaink like dis in ya condition," I advise her, "dat ting yu got in ya tummy is gonna emerge as a retarded mongoloid wit an afro for eye-brows."

N guess watt?

The witch shrieked, then raked me across the uso with her claws – n thn innocent ole Smitten gets tossed outta de klub for "bouting wit a mja mzito." Whoa! I swear I din’t touch the w*nchski. Where’s the justice in this world? Plus to top it all, she waz left behind wit my nusu chupa, which I’is paid six sock for, after she’s socked me wit makuchas! I coulda gotten tetanus or some pus pizzle like dat.

Nex day, this been las Furahiday, le Sharonova dropped me nice n early at Mobil in Westie where Pulse, Flame Entertainment, Ogopa n da resta Eldee bound crew waz bound to be at – n I enjoyed a nice breaker wit me ole pal from high chKool Richie Kitheka as we recalled Hellon in Colditz/Starch – n how he once tole dear late Griffo ati he cannat eat from DH plates coz "past pork has contaminated these plates," so see, long before Placenta party, the nucca waaz a nut-case!

Avril soon joined us, 4llowed in short order by Colonel Moustapha n Marya. Le Colonel still’s bitter at the way in wich Nasty quit on Deux Vultures. Apparently Nasty landed in from Dubai n tole him to ‘continue alitua’ in makin da muzik, coz he (Nasty) waz off to greener pastures (marryin’ air-hostess, so, all da best). You’ve heard of ne’er bitin da hand dat feeds yu? Well kids, if yu’re movin on to "greener pastures", ne’er kick de cow dat sh**s on those pastures, dass providing de manure dat makes ‘em greener!

Finally CEO, Baby Gal n de organisers of the tripski were all Mobil, so we gots mobile in da limo. But we had a surprise artiste! Some dude who calls himself ‘MC Texas’ wit the worst ATT I ever seen, callin everyone else "niggas, who donno waz goin’ down" coz he just checked in from the USA n knows "watt it’s all about."

I mean, this idiot waz short, specked up, wit ugly copper grills, man boobs – n a bad-butt attitude to boot.

For real, I ain’t kiddin – this dude vibes like dat!

No sooner had we entered de limo thn the guy chucks a ganja to ‘puff puff puff’ n imma like ‘is this guy 4 real?’ n ask him notta put it on – but he goes for it, so I snatch de joint outta his domo, n throw it outta window o limo.

Now MC Texas is really MAD n threatens me "Hey nigga, I got a gun in my pants, n imma gonna smoke ya ass," n now am really pissed n reply "we all got guns in our pants, bro, but if yu use urs fer smokin’ asses, hallelujah!"

Da long, or in MC Texas’s case, probably short of it waz, wen we got to Ungem, we got the nice assistant chief to put away MC Texas for da weekend in a nice Kangemi cell. Yeah – let him give his ‘yo nigga’ vibe to the obohos of Ungem, n discover "yu ain’t in Texas no more." Or as an Ungem hobo would put it "we leta ndyalala hapa jela, utapokwa na mdiki, uachwe mabeges!"

Wit Chris Kims in tears of mcheko, CEO in charge n Kill Bill in control, our convoy could now roll on into Eldee where we got ta main Moi campo at nite 4 Mr & Miss Campus, n I gotta give Aggie Akinyi, ZAIN n all else involved de biggest metaphorical bouquet ever coz they sure had dat event on lock-down.

CAMPUS CHAT

Da crowd waz ‘wow,’ the chickas so fly I tink imma gonna do a post-graduate in nonsense juzz ta be by close, n the mix of Naps’ drinks dem Moi stoodies kunywa is so harsh, I thot twas liquid napalm!

Ogopa producer Roberta n KTN princess Resian also looked at theya element! Sato wit the fish unwrapped, I hooked up wit a red-eyed dude calld Thome swell as Rant-n-Raver Elias Omondi (a stoodie in Maseno Campus) n we drank quenchers outside a uni guest house as we listed to the wisdom of a philo-lecturer calld Allan Muigai who usedta frequent Ka-Choi but now likes watchin weird things in shags, "like a boda-boda towing a moto-cycle."

Ken Kaburu (wit his friends DJ Sparky n a gal calld ‘Cover Gal’) managed to finish all our brunch loaf as we watchd news where cops were beatin up Muthurwa hawkers. "Wao wamezoewa kuchapwa tuu hivyo,"waz Elias’s observation, evn as he farther pointed out dat the Baks’ fave song of all tyme muzz be "Hapa, Kureee!"

Karanja Kamanda, a very very cool dude, thn took us for guided tours thru Em o one campus – durin’ which we managed to ‘confuse da devil dat had confused us at Timboroa."

At 3 pm, Sato, as we sat at ‘Sta-je’ chapaink Naps wit stoodie, here came Kill Bill n Tony Ngare in da limo, n twas tyme ta re-locate to Poa Place. So we did. And in dat beautyful joint, were re-united wit the orijino Thamba Ngweze - CEO (stayin in a suite frm wich he’d be ejected nex day to make way for Moo-Seveni, heh heh), my coach NoAncelotti Mooga, the only chap who can contro me wen I go Fizzle-dawg loonski; the real Mr president, Tom Aosa, my hommie Sir Elvis o’ Graphicshire, as well as de irreprisible King o’Paps, Stevens Muendos.

Also in tow waz Lexus, formerly of XYZee, now a cool baler, as well as Sultan Feisal, the wild. The gang (Thamba Ngwezee) waz now ready to do a ‘town tour’ via road show – so Alpha Fakoly da cool, Avril, Cartel, Colonel Mustapha, Marya, Pilipili n Shaffie n Us (we all in alphabetical order now) hit dat town like a vengeance, esp da Chepkoilel Campus!

BACK TO POA

Rollin’ back to Poa, we got imbrogliod in a huge traffo jam n a big crowd s’rounded da limo, askin queshions like "Where’s Prezzo?" (ans – ‘Jaguar is holdin him in da boot of his car like Yar’dua, but, Pilipili is representin’!’). To Shaffie, ati "wapi Kalekye?" – n me answer "this limo’s like a small bra to da sista, so she’ll be rollin’ up in a larger one." 4 gossamer’s sake, s/one e’en axed me where ‘Milly G’ waz. Duh!

Back @ Poa place, twas fab to see de Sha who had flown in sunset (same plane as our big boss, Bundo) n we scattered briefly to the Noble 4 dinner – n were welcomed warm by de luvly Emma, swell as de rock-lovin’ Nana.

Back at Poa, we re-hooked up with Boss Bundo who bought us lotsa drinks (thanx, man), cool Chepkoilel campo stoodies like A. Chaacha, drunk-a** bastards like Makarianyangas, beauties like Mawreen n da Miss Moi University,2010, n wit the coolest MC in Kenya on stage, Shaffie, a fabbie tyme was had by all, mpaka che – as Pilipili d say. From da goss, I also gotta hear dat Clemmo is one mama’s boy who enjoy takin’ all da artsy moola to mama.