America is not banking on yours truly

I went online to open a bank account. It is a process that takes 10 minutes, said the bank’s promo.

After a page or two, filling crucial personal data, I was invited to scan an image of my “State issued ID.” I scanned my passport and visa but, wapi!

I phoned the following day and spoke to an agent, who invited me to upload my documents using a safe portal on the bank’s website. I did.

I was told to wait two days before I checked again. This week, they promised to call back within 24 hours. I’m still waiting.

I decided to be proactive and instead of calling, I wrote an email. I got a response within minutes.

I was invited to upload my personal data, once again, and a brief summary of my request.

Then, a strange addition: I was asked to take a clear selfie of my face holding my ID and a note with that day’s date.

There was a comic feel as I stared into my phone’s camera late in the night, but I decided, well, this is America, and strange things happen.

Indeed, nothing came out of that either. I am deemed unbankable.

I think it’s got something to do with my beard.