First timers in Nairobi are warned about many things; from terror threats, watching out for daylight muggings and speeding cars to asking directions from pregnant women only. Here is a 101 guide to new comers to the city that was once in the sun.
1. Be Alert, not Alas!
If you do not wish to keep your mouth on a perpetual kung’ethia agape mode, kaa radar, especially with those ‘KYM’ (Kanda Ya Mkono) loitering at bus stops and offering to help you with luggage upon alighting from Kanyam-Kago village.
The KYM, you will shortly realise, does not stand for Kondoo Ya Mungu as your luggage might vanish mysteriously. Also watch out for ‘friendly’ strangers’ and their handshakes that have left many a first-timer hallucinating to an M-Pesa shop or ATM where dough changes hands.
2. Profile Nai beggars
Learn to profile pan handlers as some of the beggars you ‘donate’ to might not be that needy. One begged so successfully he owned a lorry and farm outside Nairobi, yet you, first timer, is still being housed by relatives in some SQ in Umoja. Oh, did I say some fake burns and drips to look really needy?
3. Avoid ‘kusemea mbele’
When arrested for being on the wrong side of law, don’t try to wika mjini and you are kuku ya mashinani. Try to resolve your differences with the boys in blue early before ulale ndani. And by that we mean the cold, urine sodden floor of a police station, yet your relatives don’t know you were taken due to that small matter of your Kabambe phone’s charge dying on the way...and you had no credo anyway!
4. Karata ya pata potea
If you see people winning through mchezo wa pata potea just know most of the winners are business partners of the trickster-in-thief. Watch out too for those brave hawkers who might try selling you the city clock!
5. Demos are exclusive
If you meet a livid crowd of demonstrators, down Kimathi Street, demanding that some big shot ‘steps aside’, hurry up and step aside too. You might appear on TV, during Prime Time news, being clobbered senseless by anti-riot police (Kenya Rungu) making your relatives who get the news hold kesha prayers. Rememeber most of those demonstrators are hired while you are jobless first timer. Utalijua jiji.
6. ‘Fukuza msoto, bonyeza’
Ever noticed that most of those people who win in shinda this and that promotions are normally kawaida Kenyans, doing kawaida things like mjengo, kuuza uji kwa mjengo and such. Since people cannot resist the allure of quick riches, you will burn your credo and peel the skin off your thumb, ukitafuta mamili.
7. Instant diplomas
If you are in the city for educational purposes watch out for those colleges advertising diploma course in fountain engineering. Or Bachelors of Arts in medical history!
8. ‘Kauzi wa ngotha’
If you are holed up in places like Mathare North just make sure when you do laundry you watch over the lines mpaka zikauke. Otherwise kauzis who steal wet underwear are ever on the prowl.
9. Be careful with Miss Mboch
First timers come to Nai and think it is an Oscar moment to ‘chew’ a city lass. Kumbe ni Miss Mboch!, whom you end up putting in the family way and have to marry, not forgetting that you came to look for a job!
10. Food and other matters
Get to know where to buy Sh10 thufu with mandazi, mutura and other roadside stuff that can shikilia tumbo during lean times. Know the shortest routes to Industrial Area, where there are offers for free corporate T-shirts, free films and Road Shows for that boring Sunday afternoon. Finally know that your city relatives can’t wait for the day you will go back to Kanyam-Kago if you can’t make it in Nairobi.
