Don’t date him

By Chiquitta

The dating scene in Nairobi has its pitfalls and a girl needs a discerning eye to tell the men from the boys. Not to worry, Chiquitta has compiled a list of the kind of guys to avoid. Any resemblance to real life characters is purely coincidental.

The celeb

He is young and hip, knows everyone and everyone knows him. He bemoans his single status yet always seems to have a girl hanging on his arm. The celeb will get you into all the cool parties and happenings, probably even get your picture into those glossy society pages. He is fun and spontaneous and the perfect boyfriend until you mention the ‘C ‘ word. He then goes from perfect to invisible in about 60 seconds. He is what people refer to as a serial monogamist, dates a chick for close to three months and dumps her as soon as she mentions commitment. He then moves onto the next and repeats the cycle all over again. The worst kind though, are the ones who have a steady girlfriend (or worse, wife) somewhere in the background.

The Thug

The thug is any guy who despite driving a Hummer cannot give you a straight answer about his occupation. Any dude who tells you he works in construction, real estate, export business or my personal favourite — landscaping is suspect. The details are always very vague and it’s hard to pinpoint exactly why you don’t believe him.

The thug will buy you expensive gifts and take you shopping on a whim. He is prone to unexplained absences and mysterious phone calls. He has ten simcards at his disposal and hates the po-po (police) with a passion. The thug enjoys having drinks at obscure mabati pubs and nyama-choma joints. Why he doesn’t have an office is a question you dare not ask because at this point in time you have began to fear for your life.

The beer gut

This is the geezer who buys all the drinks. The geezer is always married (I just want to put that out for those who claim love is blind). The geezer enjoys the attentions of the young pretty things and will do anything, even buy stock from Hutchings Biemer to preserve these attentions. It would be very unfortunate for the chick dating a geezer to meet his wife. Especially if the said wife is built like Caster Semenya, in which case there will be a lot of weeping and gnashing of teeth.

The gorilla

Have you ever dated a guy so unschooled in basic etiquette you pretend not to know him in public? The gorilla, and I call him that purely for symbolic purposes, is the kind of guy who will fight to death, any guy who even dares look your way. All very noble until you wake up one day and realise there is nothing handsome about your ‘Omundu strong’. He is an uncouth, dirty, over-drinking, belch producing brute and he’ll take you down with him if you don’t watch out. Still, there are chicks who seem to have an inner urge to tame the brute…good luck with that.

The man whore

The man whore is the dude who has been around the block a few times. He passes himself off as a charming sophisticate but in reality he is a socially immature and emotionally disturbed. He gets his kicks off bedding as many women as possible and is the type to disparage the reputation of any chick that refuse his advances. Talk of the pot calling the kettle black! Unless you fancy a healthy helping of crabs, don’t touch him with a ten-foot pole.

The vulture

He preys on all your happy emotions and leaves you a bitter version of your former self that your family and friends can barley recognise. This guy will put you down and squash any dreams you have. He is emotionally abusive and it doesn’t take long for things to turn physical. If this is who you are currently dating, my advice to you is, run.

The UCLA student

This guy has never been to UCLA (University of California Los Angeles) let alone the US, he neither studies nor does exams, he has also never attended a class because he is in the other UCLA i.e. University of Chilling and Lounging Around. He "cleared fourth" and figured he was set. If you are dating such a guy you better be in the same campus, if not you are wasting time that could better be spent meeting good Kenyan men.