Flee, here comes paternity testing

By MUGAMBI NANDI

Ever since the Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions in New York in 1848, and the signing into law of the 19th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America in 1920, women have every so often found a new cause for which to put their lives on the line.

Historians will tell you that the 19th Amendment granted women the much coveted and life-changing right to vote (for male candidates mainly, one might add).

Here in Kenya, women have won many battles against gender discrimination, but the war is far from over. There is still the occasional male resistance to gender equality. It has been reported that some women have refused to take it lying down (pun fully intended) and valiantly taken matters into their own hands, leaving many a poor man’s face (and in extreme cases, his member) in a sorry state of repair.

This form of feminine bravery has been known to occur in some counties with more frequency than in others. We are not making any linkage between this man-battering and the incidents of bestiality that have lately been reported in the aforesaid counties, but you are at liberty to do so.

In the battle of the sexes, the inner sanctum of religion, the holy of holies, remains a restricted area reserved for men. Although the battle is slowly but surely being won on that front as well, there is still a long way to go thanks to the biased but faithful adherence to ancient books with an unabashed patriarchal leaning.

We recommend that you do not hold your breath for the first woman pope or imam. And if that woman is black, we recommend that you do not wait at all.

Leaving matters of religion aside, the new battlefront for gender supremacy (no one really fights for equality) is in paternity testing. If you are rich, and preferably famous, you are in danger, not of extinction, but of a present and imminent attack.

You should live in mortal fear of a woman appearing, first on national television, and then in the court corridors, seeking a piece of your DNA to prove that you did have biblical knowledge of her — by way of variety and a change from the monotony of monogamy — when she was barely 18.

In this grand appearance, she will be accompanied by the evidence, also known as the exhibit, in the form of a fully-grown adult male — presumably of sound mind.

A discerning eye will observe that the exhibit has two eyes (just like you), two ears (just like you), a pair of hands (just like you), a nose (just like you) and a host of other features (just like you) that leave no doubt that you had been there with the mother and done that, and thereafter performed a Houdini Act with dexterity. (Harry Houdini, for those who care to know, was a Hungarian-American stunt performer of the last century, famous for his sensational escape acts).

Quite obviously, if you are faced with a demand for a paternity test, it means that your attempt at fleeing from your parental responsibility was not properly executed. There may still be a few options available to you depending on whether your skills have improved with your age or diminished with it.

Either way, you are likely to need a good lawyer who, for a fee, will defend your innocence (about which he has no knowledge) and put up a strong fight against your DNA being taken, by muttering something about your constitutional rights, while painting the claimants as extortionists, in the darkest of hues. 

We would have thought that you would readily submit yourself to the paternity test, if only to put the matter to rest. However, we understand your fear that the corrupt section of the civil service at the laboratories may substitute the results. We also understand that you may not remember your colourful past, and scientific proof and reminder of it is the last thing you wish for in your happy retirement.

It is often said that only the mother is sure who the father of her children is. Not always, I say. A woman of easy virtue cannot be any surer of the parentage of her children than a philandering man.

Among the Romans there existed the principle “mater semper certa est”, meaning that the mother is always known and “pater semper incertus est”, meaning that the father is always uncertain. With the scientific development of surrogate motherhood, the principle might well be on its way out of date.

And as if on cue, Germans have since modified that principle to fit with the circumstances. Their civil code now states that the mother of a child is the woman who has given birth to it, thus neatly resolving the issue of a genetic mother (the egg donor) and a natural mother (the surrogate).

The few African tribes that follow a matrilineal system rather than the ubiquitous patrilineal system are in possession of this esoteric wisdom.

We should probably follow suit.

Twitter: @MugambiNandi